Don't Count Your Chickens Before They Hatch

 You've heard that old adage probably a dozen times in your life in Western society. It means don't count on things to go as planned. 

Often, I have a student or acquaintance ask me the meaning of such terms they've heard. It's usually easy to give an example in life for them to understand the meanings. 

Today, well this past month and honestly years now I have found this one often the most bitter pill. You make a plan, you buy 10 chicks and then you get food and a hen house and you think hey in a short time, im going to have eggs, then I can sell those eggs and buy more chickens and a bigger henhouse. Then if I get a rooster; you need those, well then I can let those hens sit on eggs and hatch chicks and put them out in the garden and well I can sell those chicks, let them grow and eat them or sell their eggs..dreams. We all have them. One part of my journey here was knowing that life here hadn't changed much. People still farmed and lived off their land and their animals. It's getting fewer but I hope that people will keep these ways. While the West is trying to go backwards, here is saying, "we want that".. But the reality is you've got the better deal and you just don't know it. 

So let me go back to my story. My reason for writing today. I keep promising myself im going to blog more. But still waiting on my PC to be repaired for one. But let me tell you this months story. My daughter Aieysha has her dogs and we got to point where she finally had two good quality breed females. A stud male when we needed him and we last summer had a grandson to our oldest female Desdemona. Her name came about after reading Othello with a college student of mine. Well if you know the story Desdemona is a white woman who meets and marries a Moor, a black man. Well our Desdemona was black. She was a beauty and full of kindness. She only wanted to be loved. Few years ago we bred her for the first time and got a nice litter of puppies. All but two were black. A male and female. The male Rollo went to a great family and we see him often. But Winnie, oh she was beautiful. Gorgeous color and all those Labrador folds of skin you would think she was a Sharpei. But she was just like her momma, just wanted loving. 

Aieysha and well all my kids are currently in USA with their dad. The girls went back to get papers and get a GED so they could do more things in life. Aieysha wants to be a vet. Since we came in 2012, its slowly became a reality and she is getting her certifications so she can study here and open a much needed clinic out here and be an extension to training of young vets as well. So while she is away, my sil and I are here with her children and tending our animals. 

So back to the counting chickens part..well I cant count the number of times we made plans and things went along fine them bamm, we lost so much. First winter here we had a female deliver 20 pups and it was a storm and no power and she labored two days and her kennel was outside and well in a matter of days, I buried all 20 pups. It was hard but by then we were use to losses and we just kept moving forward. Well last month, Desdemona was fine I had taken her out and walked her and the next afternoon my sil found her dead. We think a scorpion bite. It was an extremely hot early spring day so we couldn't take time to wonder why and the flies were coming from all over..so we buried her and then the hardest was calling my daughter. I couldn't. I let her husband tell her. We cried..

Well last week I noticed that Miss Winnie was looking a bit fat. They had been eating and not getting runs as much so I thought shes just fat..get her out and let her run. But nope, she was pregnant. Now dogs are nearly halfway through a pregnancy before they really show signs and you cant really tell on ultrasound unless you got a good machine. Aieysha plans to get one as it will be needed out here since we are rural. So we took her to a clinic and the guy had an old machine. Scanned one side and said 5 pups and maybe 10 days til delivery. 

So we began to prep the birthing room and her welping box and make plans for any day. Night before a heavy storm rolled in and the weather dropped and we decided to put her early in her room just so she wouldn't chill. We should have had a week still to go. But we all know storms can cause animals to go into labor. Sure enough the next morning she was panting..moving around in her box. Vomiting a few times, all of which is normal. So we prepared to be on labor duty. We had a power outage half that night until early morning but she was fine. In the morning, I looked in on her and her heavy panting had relaxed. Ok so maybe we got a few days still. Every few hours one of us would check on momma Winnie. I began my dinner and a neighbor had offered a meal for my sil and the kids. So I cooked and broke my fast and was eating my dinner. Not quite done and my granddaughter comes to the door. Grandma, Winnie died..just like that. It took me back over 25 yrs to the day a neighbor boy died..his sister when I asked how her brother was today said with a voice I will never forget, "Oh he died last night". She was maybe 5, and her brother had been born with a birth defect.. Since birth they waited for him to die..he was 10. 

So I told her NO, don't say that! No, daddy is teasing..the puppies are coming and maybe one has died..I hurried next door to her room..no..I was wrong..Winnie had died while we ate dinner. But wait she has puppies..

My sil suggested it might be too late, I had only felt one moving earlier which I thought odd as with her last litter I could feel lots of wiggles..we quickly got supplies and we made an incision on her side. Now here is where life here makes this easier..while the west puts meat in pretty packages, here often you find the shop has animals waiting.. No pros or cons its life as it has been lived for millennias..the meat in our shops were killed that morning. But this isn't some animal you never saw until that moment..this is a newborn pup I held myself and gave breaths too just a few years ago..this was a dog who was as we say, part of our family. 

But we knew we had to hurry if we had any chance to save even a few babies..one by one we pulled out puppies.. And each life had passed..12 pups..not 5. A few were black in the sacs so I think that they had died and she had gone septic..her last pregnancy we had a few that were stillborn. 

After we delivered the last puppy, I cried..not even one. The kids had been there. They sat on a couch holding one wrapped in a cloth. We try to let them live in the reality of farm life. 

I cant count the animals we've lost in the time we have been here. We rescued hundreds by now. Few make it and we find homes or like our cats they become part of life here on the farm..but its those you spent effort on. Not the day old chick you bought that you found, but the one you break out of its shell and get a hen to accept. Its the lamb whose mother died you feed for days, to find sleeping in death under a tree. Its the puppy who is sick from parvo as its still not well known here and few people know about shots to prevent..its not the dog hit by a car, broken legs and hip. Its not the sheep you raise only to lose from pox a few yrs later..with two babies too. 

I stopped counting chickens..

Hey I didnt Lose Access!

 Omg guess its been a long time since I was here but with Twitter possibly dying I had to go somewhere. For now I'm trying mastadon but don't have my link figured out yet..so if you want to find me on twitter I will be there until it dies or resurrects or by email which is faiszahfaris@gmail.com. Again I pretty much am retired so even email isn't something I use often but after losing all my old email accounts I need a way for people to find me. 

I wont post much today. I didn't think I could access my blog again and I'm on a cell phone typing with one finger which makes my hands go stiff after a bit. So just a hello and hope some folks who have known me will find me here. 

I'm not set up for doing blogs so its going to be slow. Need to figure out what is wrong with the pc so I can type or get a new desktop so I can type. Life is bit of mess right now and lots going on but one day at a time. See you soon. I promise. 

The Good Wife

 Humm, not sure if this is the right title but every time I've written a story I've used the first words to pop in my head..so wait there was another one Dust...well that's in the wind!  Oh forgive me I'm trying to be bit lighthearted after yesterday's adventures..

Sorry dear readers; do I still have any? I mean I looked just now as I was trying to remember how to access my account and saw it's been almost a year since I blogged..

For one reason, I'm still on a phone and internet credits and let's not forget POWER OUTAGES...but the biggest is I spend most my time on Twitter..look me up @oldmommatajuri 

It's another year and mostly I come back to my blog for memories. Facebook sucks now and often the "You Got Memories" are often the ones I don't want to forget but don't want "Hey your favorite memory is the image of your totaled car that killed your son". 

But I'm sorry I digress. Dust in a way it's fitting for this month. It's fall here and ladies prepare their homes for winter. So dusting, cleaning and moving around furniture is common during this cooler time. 

There was a time when I didn't really do a lot of housework GASP!! And I had a dear friend I envied on her wife skills. We were even because she envied my skills in anything but wife chores..

But today I decided that I would clean the only rug in my house. I specifically had tile put in every room not just the base tiles but nice tiles. Nonslip outdoor tiles for main areas and a faux wooden look tile for the bedrooms. I knew this was my last home and I wanted it to be all that we dreamed as well as suited for two people growing older and kids gone. Easy to care for and secure for elderly people. 

Todat I decided to remove the rug and sweep the main salon. Wash the rug and prepare for cooler season. I have one rug it's 7x12 ft I think it's 3x5 meters. It's just a piece of thin rental house quality carpet. When I was in real estate I learned a few things plus my son in law Mike was trained in Tile and Carpets and the yr or so we helped with his family business of house repair and remodeling I learned more things. 

Carpets have a thickness called Pile, a texture or Weave and a backing that varies and really makes all the difference on the quality of carpets..in the USA we also use Padding and Felt to help cushion the floors. So I know my carpets and tiles. 

But after years of owning the best vacuums in the world Kirby, Kenmore and Dyson as well as owning a Rug Doctor I was a bit miffed moving here. From very young most girls know how to use a broom and a mop. Over the years we have seen a revolution in cleaning and I had gathered the best to take care of my home..then I moved. 

We learned quickly that women here spent a good portion of their days on menial chores unlike their western counterparts and the dreaded cleaning of carpets is one chore i decided early on was NOT part of my life. Girls usually get this job and often its done by as many as you can gather because it is back breaking and really should be something men do..lol stop laughing..really ok im serious stop laughing.. think about it. Look at the rugs here they're huge. Not only must you carry them outside, wash but carry sopping wet to the edge of the house and toss them half over the walls so they drip dry in the sun..God forbid it rains or a dust storm and all your work is ruined.

But the tools you have to carry out chores here are one step up from dinosaur days..I've been here 9 yrs now and yet to see a real vacuum cleaner not a shop vac with attachments..that is not a vacuum! And ladies Mops and Brooms, I don't know how but you ladies go through hundreds if not thousands in a lifetime..I've had 1 broom since I moved here. When we bought the farm I bought 4 sets but the construction guys destroyed them. I have an inside set, an outside cleaning set and a set for outdoor bathroom..so currently 6 sets. Here it consists of a mop a broom.. the mops are the worst. When we came it was a white rag you rinsed and wrapped around a squeegee to wipe up the water you bucketed onto the floor..every few minutes you need to take it off, wring it out, wrap it again and wipe..doing this over and over until you get all the water. To my western mind that was insanity..I mean we ladies in USA stopped this nonsense back in the 60s. In my lifetime I've owned about every stage of mop developed and there are only a few I really called successful. But few yrs ago you finally got better mops. The one I prefer is like the Swiffer Sweeper..it's a long base with a pad that is removable great for dusting or low water cleaning of floors. I hate tons of water on floors. 

I found a great broom at Ace Hardware yes they had one here but it's closed now..but it's the right broom for my cleaning style. I try to tell folks they don't use the right broom here for the task and that is half the reason you constantly have to buy new ones..watch a guy use a dust broom to sweep a sidewalk..pushing dirt and rocks and gravel with a dust broom! No you need a PUSH broom..

Then I see some ladies and boy does it bring back memories of my childhood but they use the cut branches of date trees to sweep carpets or outside areas. Reminds me of the straw broom we used as a kid to clean the area around the house or old dirt floors. 

I wanted to add photos but I can't see that option so if I figure it out I will add them. But I've seen ladies here spend hours cleaning rugs..yes in the USA I spent hours cleaning with my Rug Doctor my carpets to reduce the crud that irritated my asthma that I now have..it was one reason I went for tiles..no dust, no dander..sweep and wipe. This last week I made it to 34 yrs of  marriage, i cant say i was a good wife all those years. I tried to be. I came here and tried to learn what i could to fit in but i dont know if i ever will. But my house is tidy. My family fed and clean and at the end of the day its enough. 

So I know I've said it before...I will write more. Check my Twitter..I write there. Until I get a computer where I can see more than 5 inches and type with 2 hands instead of a finger..visit me. 

Time Heals

They say when a tragedy befalls you, "time will heal all wounds", but does it? My second son his first Eid here was sliced open at the elbow, nice deep cut to the bone..yeah it healed. My daughter Aieysha had her index finger nearly amputated at 2 yrs old, yeah it healed..but look at the wounds..nice scars. What are scars? It where the skins sends extra cells to knit together a spot torn by injury or in some cases surgeries. For a time they hurt, itch, drive you nuts, but if you had a good doctor with suture technique well there isnt much of a scar...but what about those big scars? You know like the one you get from trashing yourself playing sports, or cutting yourself with knife or some mishap. Those can be ugly and even though they heal, folks are always saying, dude what happened there? Gross looking scar..." Or as any woman can attest to those baby scars..stretch marks riddle your once beautiful body over your chest, belly, legs..or c-section scars, how many carry that battle scar?
Anyway those aren't the scars I'm going to talk about tonight...how many years since I've blogged? 2015? I was just finding out I was going to be grandma again..wow..I've been away too long.
I could go on a long catch you up but no tonight I want to talk about scars..
Tomorrow. Well if you dont know what tomorrow is to me, you dont know me. You haven't been part of me, you're a newcomer..tomorrow would have been the 30th birthday of my first son. Now before you think my other 6 kids dont mean much, your wrong..but the first child..the first boy, first girl those stick..like the last one..why because there will never be another first born and your last isnt always planned but when they are the last they're special. All my children are special.
Just two days ago here in my new home, Libya, a house was hit 3 children died, three little girls. Their mother and another girl were seriously injured, the father was left devastated..
Death..death is a scar. It isnt beautiful it's one of those ugly ones that everyone sees and is either dude what happened or turn your eyes because you cant bear to look them in the face..
Death came knocking 6 yrs ago and tore a huge hole in my world..death left a scar that no amount of makeup can hide..its ugly..its healed not in smooth sutured lines of a crafted tailors stitch but a haphazard ragged rush job pulled together with a dirty, rusted needle that caught and pulled and tore the skin..it pulled it together in a mass of tissue that heaved up and reddened and left a mark..
Every year I hope this time around it will be easier..I put on concealer and powder my face and add blush but after a short while, it begins to flake off and the scar is there staring at me in a looking glass or a glance in a car mirror.
So what can I do?
For years I visited my sons grave every month, but moving 35 minutes out into farming area well going into town nowadays we plan..hey I'm going to the cemetery, want to come?
No...
Scar one..
His grave looks like hell, why do I want to see that?
Scar two...
It's been 6 yrs, get over it will you.
Scar three...
Unanswered questions
Scar four...
Special days he's not here for
Scar five..
My family is still torn apart
Uncounted scars...
So tomorrow I'm going alone, I might sit few minutes or hour I dont know. Its fall and might not be too hot..
Scars...when does time heal?
I will try to come back but if you missed me I'm on Twitter daily..@oldmommatajuri
I'm typing on my cellphone so I cant even see full screen..
But I've been thinking about my blog lately..its an old friend.

Closing Doors

There is a proverb that says that if one door closes God opens another door. Well today I have made one step more towards closing a door. I have sent a message to my husband asking for a divorce. Why now? If you ask that question you haven't read my blog or know me very well. I made up my mind after many nights in prayers and asked Allah if I was making this decision lightly to provide me with guidance. I know in any faith to divorce is a biggie in the eyes of God but I know he knows what is in my heart and I did this during Ramadan so I know that Shaytan would not be figured in as a reason.
So where do I go from here? No where. I'm staying here with my daughter and my new son in law. Oh I guess many might not know what has transpired over the last year since I haven't had internet very much and when I do get out I can't remember a password or can't log on to one account or another. I finally got this one working. Well, Aieysha has been pretty lonely since her brother died and her other brother left and returned to the USA. Yes, Khadijah and Suhayl returned last year and sadly I haven't heard a peep from them since. But anyways since she was next in line to move forward in her life she chose marriage.

She had free choice in her decision and I only asked him a few questions and let her be the one to decide with who she would spend her life with. I had planned that each of my daughters marry Libyans but well when you are told that, "A good Libyan man will never marry a girl who loves dogs", well she made her choice and he's not Libyan. He is a good man and guess what he loves animals as much as she does. So she is happy.

I was working for a bit but honestly when you want to pay me half and I spend more hours at work than at home and I have no time for my responsibilities of my family well I don't need work that much. But now the problem I face is that I will have to work and I will have to make some tough decisions.

I only was left with Fatimah and when I told her my decision well she started crying. But it wasn't that her parents were getting divorced but how could she get back to the USA now and how soon. Yeah....

I sent him a message via my daughters skype account since most days calls are difficult and very expensive to call the USA so this was the best way to get the message through.

What am I going to do now? Don't know for sure i'm still waiting to see which door Allah opens for me.  For now its Ramadan and I am keeping my promise of reading the Quran each day and praying that I find guidance along the way. I have a few students that I tutor privately and I will try to keep that always as an option. Well as long as I can get to a cafe and I have a few dinars I will try to bring you slowly up to date with my life. It has been a Trip of a Lifetime and I will continue my journey alone now.

Nuh and His Ark

Nuh? No I didn't misspell his name. Nuh or Noah as he is known in the western world is a biblical figure most of the world is familiar with. Bet what many don't know is that we as Muslims revere him as well. Yep believe it or not he is one of our prophets too. Did you know that many faiths have a Noah figure in their histories? Most cultures have a man who took animals with his family aboard a boat and sailed off into the sunrise after a flood wiped the earth clean of all the woes of mankind. He took two of every kind of animal and his family and waited til the coast was clear then opened the doors and let animals and his family re habit the earth.  Well if you wanted the long version of the stories there are plenty of books on the subjects.

Me and the kids well most of us have always loved animals. Being my family was military most of my early life we had few animals. We were always moving and we always had to give up that pet cause it wasn't fair to the animal to be lugged across the country in a small car with screaming, crying kids. I think it just made it easier on mom. One less mouth to feed or need to go pee at the wrong time. Well after I got older I wanted animals. I remember having some bunnies and keeping them in the backyard. We even managed to get a hutch for them and the ground under it took years before I could plant anything again there. But they were just the beginning. Along came birds. I had a few fish but I went to the hospital to have Fatimah and came home to dead fish cause someone had put seashells in the water. They were from the ocean and full of salt and who knows what else and well you don't put unwashed sea shells in fresh water fish tanks. So for awhile I gave up on animals. First I feel kids should be old enough to properly care for pets. You have to have space for them was one thing dad always told us. Animals should be able to run and have clean homes and proper food. Well it took a few years and finally we started getting birds. Those who know us or read some of my older posts know we started collecting birds. Seems like once you have one even if you have males you will somehow acquire more. Some of the birds we got we bought others came to us are refugees or orphans. Owners who could no longer take care of them for one reason or another. But like the notorious cat ladies they can add up and surprise you at times then you have to either give some away or find a way to feed all those extra mouths.

Sadly we had to leave them all behind when we moved here and Taher was able to find good homes for them. But once we settled into routine here we began to feel the loneliness setting in that not having a pet does. So like Nuh and his ark we are on a new patch of ground and we don't have two of everything yet lol but we hope to find a happy ground between food supply animals and pets. Things are different here, there are no laws for animals and except for what is written in holy books people will do what they please when it comes to tending animals. Good or bad we have to adjust to things here and slowly we can show better ways to provide care. I'm not saying people don't take care of animals here. Don't misunderstand me, when someone has done something certain ways for centuries how do you tell them there is a better way. You can't but you can start by raising your own animals and letting others see the benefits of better care. So I started a new blog page called http://libyaswildlife.blogspot.com/ I hope to get the girls to join in and let them tell the stories of our pets and animals. See the animals through the eyes of the animals as told by us humans. The girls are good storytellers so it could be something fun. But for now its a way to document our life here.

Time To Set The Record Straight

I know when I first wrote the messages about my sons accident it was hard. Here it is 5 months later and it still is. But I have found out more about the accident and I want it to be on paper since much will never be known beyond stories that get passed down. So I need to put it down for future generations.

Here is what I know now: That morning we had gone into Tripoli to schedule a surgery for Aieysha and had gone with a cousin to the Shar AlZawiya hospital in Tripoli. We went downstairs and waited to see a doctor and him and my husbands cousin AbdulZag Faris sat and talked later I found out it was about him wanting to get married and looking for land for a house and what he wanted to do with his life. Aieysha and I sat in the women's waiting area so we didn't hear this conversation but he told me about it later.
We finally got done and headed back into Tajoura to drop me and Aieysha off at the house so he could go to work and have time to do some reading before his class began. He was teaching English in a school just inside the borders of town. About a 10 minute drive from here. He dropped me off and I told him to tell them he would not be there the following Wednesday because of her surgery. I don't remember if I told him I loved him. But I told him see you later. I guess he got on the phone with his cousin and headed out to the main road. I was first told that he was bumped from behind well that wasn't what happened. He headed down the road and got to the roundabout and turned west and headed into Tripoli. Its like I said a few minutes drive but speeds on that road can reach well over 70 mph. Its posted 50 but no one follows rules here. There are marked lanes but no one stays in lanes either and if its crowded well it will be 9 lanes not 4. But he was on his way. A few more minutes and he would have made the turn off the main coastal road and been off it but well guess God had his plans.
Along comes the villain of the story... I guess he was in a hurry well aren't we all. He was headed East on the opposite side of the median and was weaving in and out at high speeds like everyone else going wherever they were headed. I guess he thought he could make that squeeze between cars and well maybe if things had been different he would have, I see it enough each time we drive. Well today was not a lucky day. He clipped a car and sent it like a bullet over the median right into Suhayb. Think about it what speed does it take to make a car a heavy car fly over a median into oncoming cars and just tear through them like they were butter? I don't know I'm not into physics. You can see the pics. But it hit my car with force and I was told they rolled a few times before settling near the seaside ledge. They said he was injured in the head, and lower abdomen someone told Fatimah his legs were severed but I didn't see that in the doctors slim report of the accident. I didn't get a report like we would be use to in the USA. Nor did his father or I get to view the body. I don't even know who saw him or identified him. People stopped talking about it. So much death here people just move on. But anyways not only was Suhayb killed instantly they said but the man in the other car was cut in half they tell me he was trying to buckle or was buckled and the seat-belts tore him in half at the scene. They said the man stopped to help. Not much to do was there? Did my son take his last breath before you saw him or did he die in someones arms? Did he say his last rites? Was there time? I don't know and sometimes this haunts me. Did he see the car coming or was it so sudden that he didn't know until it happened? A police officer who was nearby at a border post said he came to the scene and saw the name Faris and called a family just up the street asked him if he knew the person. It took him a few minutes but he said oh yes they are related to me. I'm told he knows more. There is still a court case but I have no clue what is going on. Justice here is way behind. They got lots to deal with death by car accident takes a backseat to murder and finding bodies in mass graves. I was told it was quick.

 This is the little boy who asked me could he be a Prophet one day. I hope he did leave a message for all of us. Love each other while you can. Every day someone dear to someone of us passes on. What messages do they leave behind?

Another Precious Gem

This month seems like its going to be a long one. I lose an Aunt, a ex brother in law, and now a distant cousin. She died on the 18th.
Feb 17th was the anniversary of the Uprising in Libya and I went out to be part of the celebrations. I don't have the images downloaded to this comp but I will try and post some soon but I did post one on my Facebook page. I got the privilege to sit next to the mother of one of the martyrs of Tajoura during the program. She saw me sitting on the curb near her and asked a young boy to give me his seat. I kissed her on the cheek and told her thanks. She knew me I guess I am still trying to find out if she is a neighbor. I found out her name and her sons name he is a Tarhuni. We have a few families nearby with that family name. As we sat they brought to her the new photo of her son they used in the ceremonies and I asked to photograph it. I looked at the image and saw the date of his death. 10/17/2011. Yeah Suhayb's 21st birthday. I sat and cried. She had apparently came to the funeral. She seemed familiar. I hope I can one day have enough Arabic I can visit some of the people who lost family and tell you their stories. Someone needs too cause it seems like people are just numbers or someone on TV that you don't know but you heard about and forget a few days later.

Well it was like that two days ago. A cousin of mine posted a Amber Alert for a young girl missing in Missouri and said she was related. I didn't really know how but I looked and saw the father of the girl was a Barfield. I asked her if he was related and she told me yes. My mothers great grandmother is a Barfield and we found each other online just before I came to Libya. We keep in touch in those odd hours of the day or night. Being on different sides of the earth its hard to keep up with stuff going on. But anyways this little girl was snatched just right next-door to her house in broad daylight with view of a neighbor. I mean yeah people watching!! Sadly, she wasn't found in time. I don't know all the details and I will probably hear them soon enough you know how media is. But for now all I care about is this poor little girl was at the hands of a murderer of children.

I like to believe that she didn't feel much and God took her quickly. The part I am happy about is they did catch him. He is in jail but you know the system. You hope justice will prevail. If not like a few Dictators around the world lately God will be waiting for them. There is a joy in knowing they will suffer much longer. God doesn't have lawyers who can get them off on technical, his prisons are eternal torment no one to say he isn't being treated kindly there. He will get what he deserves. Little Hailey I sure wish your parents will know that one day he will serve his sentence. They say books are written and like I have said some days its not that they are gone but how they died that makes it feel so wrong when we lose someone. These are one of the days we ask God why??