Gold Blooded

 Past four years a lot has happened, and I got a lot to catch up on telling folks, so these stories don't get lost but working with a newfound cousin on DNA matches I found what I call Gold Blood. They are the link that goes back in time to our earliest ancestors and women have MTDNA and men have YDNA. So to say a short story I finally found out who my birthfather was and if you look around online to can find my comments on that journey as well as any DNA testing site i hope in the future and online sites like the one I found WikiTree where our info is now being moved to as its FREE and ONE tree not millions and you all pitch in to solve the lines. But in my findings I found that he was a man named Charles Lewis Walker and he was older and married and may have known my mother's family in some ways since they all came to the USA in 1500s there is intermarriages between the two surnames in fact the very first couple was Richard Bowen his daughter married a Walker but I'm still trying to find out if it's the same family as they do intermarry many more times. 

But back to my title story, Gold Blood. As I was tracing and trying to prove my mother's paternal line thanks to a DNA study I found a few years ago and an update I was able to prove we are from the same group and down to only a few branches left. Family Trees are huge and how your DNA is transferred varies even with same siblings you all get a different slice of pie when it comes to DNA or genetics most commonly known. 

When I was finally able to get a way to test someone against a known descendant of my father of record meaning the man who my mother was married to when I was born. It was with my daughter to a half-brother of John. On her deathbed she had told her five children of 3 young boys who she had put for adoption in NY and she had fled to California to start a new life and we had to wait until DNA testing had advanced enough to test siblings to nieces since I was not in the country and could not at the time get a test from here. Zero match was the response, and I think I cried for a month. But I finally came to and started looking at my daughter's results, and you get this list of names and how much DNA you share, and it says, "Do you recognize this, Person?" Well, we did a few but there was a first cousin no one knew and many more odd people who seemed to match to my daughter, but we could not tie down how or which side and it didn't help that we found a few more surprises too. My daughter's father was Mormon and so was my adopted family it's how I learned all this stuff. But my Adopted Father was in fact a cousin to my oldest daughter, so Grandpa was Cousin and Uncle, my brother by marriage, and all the others were cousins to her. 

Next, we hit a jumbo mess, her 2nd great grandfather on her dad's side was one of the largest polygamists in Mormon History and well sorting out wives and kids was FUN. But we had begun to get groups, and this one group kept adding and adding names until there was a surname I knew Bowen! One of the ladies should have been a 6th cousin but she was coming up as a 3rd and that was too weird. I spent a lot of nights and finally I was half sleeping on eve of Father's Day and I was like, "Hey, all I need is a Land/ Walker marriage and should find a male who fits the bill. I jumped up and looked at my wall yes literally three walls of my house had sticky notes with names and info on who they matched with and well I got lucky ONE couple was a LAND/WALKER marriage. They had thank goodness ONE and only ONE child so it was a no brainer and I was a bit hurt to see he was married too as I knew well momma was no saint at this point in time but I can't say exactly how they knew each other or the circumstances but I AM THE RESULT of that one night or maybe a few nights. 

I had finally found a few who responded to me but once I said who I believed my father to be I was met with "He didn't have another daughter", yes, he did. Well, many stopped contact with me so hey I join the Bastard Kids group.  I am pretty good at finding people and so many are on FB lol and well it was a few days, and I had found my one and only HALF Sister. She has four children and a few grandkids. It was during COVID, and I guess she had lost her husband to COVID and a man who was trying to be a go between said hold off contact. Well after a month how long do I wait? We both aren't getting any younger here. Sadly, my DAD had died also back in 2006, oh if momma had told the truth back then maybe I might have gotten a hello at least. 

But I reached out by messenger to her, and I had also found her daughter and a daughter in law who did respond to me, and I said I simply wanted to know more about who he was. NOTHING more but I had gotten a photo of him and boy there was no way to say I was not HIS DAUGHTER. The daughter in law messaged me and I shared my story and why I was searching and how I knew it was difficult, but we are the last and I hoped we could have some contact at least learn more of him as there was literally nothing about him online. The funeral book had 2 entries, and his grave marker was nothing of any information and an obit from the funeral home said hardly anything too. Unlike so many obits where they are goldmines of information. But my sister said, "He died 20 yrs ago, Crawl back where I came from and Leave her family alone". I said OK and posted her reply on my ancestry file for all to see one day. I did contact the daughter in law one more time to find out Cause of Death as that was important to me. She said she had recently married into the family and her husband rarely spoke of him. WOW that is odd too but hey what can I say. Since then, I have gone on to prove sufficiently that I am who I believe I am and got the work to prove it so only SHE can prove otherwise but I know she won't.  But her response was a huge blow to my life, and it took me a yr to recover again and then I went back and started proving my lines and mostly my mother's lines and who ever I came across along the way.

Well now two yrs later I was going back and had friended a man who had left a message on a group board saying he was a COLLINS but didn't know how, so I guessed another Adoption and had said good luck as he was just getting started. I happened to hear from him and asked how he was doing, and he said he was at a dead end and stuck. I told him I wanted to help but can't subscribe from here, so he offered to pay a 6mo package for me to help out. I told him Father's Day was when I found my dad and it was a month away so that was my goal again as he was the LAST MALE of his family with no heirs. And we are both 65 so not many golden years left ha-ha. I did like I had done mine he gave me access to his account, and I could see all his matches and I slowly added them to my tree as well we would be Cousins too. I found a match that as I was tracing, I came to a photo, and he had shared a selfie with me and I was floored I thought for sure I had found his missing relative and of all things he was married to a woman with the same surname as the family he had been adopted by. We had a few possible options we knew the woman in question was young and had known the younger brothers of a Collins family and he had a lot of matches, but something wasn't quite adding up and it's hard when you have repeating names and kids born same time by names used over and over it's easy to mix lines up. 

He believed it was a young fling and after the young lady had gotten herself in a mess well, she went off and got married to a young man really quick and the child was raised as that man's son. BUT it was the advent of DNA which finally proved what had long been suspected that son was NOT his. Matched to the mother but not the father. But even though we had the identical family members we had no common DNA not a drop at that level. We matched to some of the same people but not to each other. And the young man in question was one of my Great-grandfathers at that level. But he wasn't matching up correctly. All were saying he was a cousin not a uncle. Where did he belong? Finally, I went to the MALE ONLY Y DNA group and sorted out all the male links and he came up under a brother to the suspected man as a fit. This man had disappeared from records after a charge of Bastardy so well-well. And he had killed a man with a piece of wood too so juicy closet stuff here. But two days before Father's Day I solved him. 

Now I'm going back and working on my mystery line Alsey and Delana are my bucket list grandmothers to find before I kick the bucket. I wrote about Delana in the past and Alsey is who started me on my genealogy journey. But last week I was looking at New Matches and I came across a GOLDEN BLOOD woman. SHE is a MTDNA match to Alsey on my side. So now we hope to sort her out. First, we have always assumed she was a BOWEN daughter but oddly she MATCHES to the MOTHER of my Great grandfather William Bowen. Now the wife shouldn't often match but it can happen with cousin married to cousins and in few cases like we found out with my parents a long family history of marriages between the two surnames. BUT she is at the same level as his SISTER on Ancestry and no sorry that won't do. SHE is NOT HIS SISTER, maybe a half I thought as his mom had remarried and had more kids, but her name doesn't appear as a child to his mother. SO, WHO IS SHE?  A niece or a younger sister is also likely as they would share same DNA female wise, she does not MATCH TO LEVI his dad, so the line is MATERNAL linked. 

But its folks like my two cousins who are the last or down to wire last lines of BLOOD and getting them into the system was a fluke I think but as I worked it was a cousin of his GG Grand Aunts who matched to one of my daughters who helped me sort it out and say YES, we are RELATED. 

So, for now this is a story of what has been my past few years, but a lot more has happened, and I can't wait to share more with everyone, so these stories are not lost to time. ONCE we knew who she was and who her parents were. NOW all are dead and that historical info is lost to fires, war, floods and moving and Opps it went to the trash from a child who didn't know what those were papers, to the ones the birds in the church attic used for nest material. 

See you soon and hope you are still finding my stories to read. 

Graves and Genealogy and Finding Your Past

 I have a few minutes this morning and I thought I would share a bit of my life again. As many of you know, I was for many years searching for my birth father. It was a long journey and finally a few years ago I found the truth. It feels odd as this week in particular I am reminded of the loss of my son in law two years ago in a motorcycle accident just the day after his birthday and days before his wedding anniversary to my daughter Rachael. Yeah, I got a lot that has happened in the time since I last posted and maybe I can child by child bring it up to date in the coming weeks as I do want to start making it a regular thing again. Who is still reading my posts after all this time, I don't know but today I will touch on two persons, my mother and my son. I joined a forum that documents graves and creates memorial pages for them so family can visit anywhere on earth. For years it has hurt that I couldn't even allow his friends to mourn him by there being no place they could go to and pay respects. I know he is not the first person to die in another country away from all who knew him, there is an American Cemetery not a few miles from where he is buried and who knows I hope to visit it and document the markers there as there are no photos of the markers. But today is for Suhayb. Sadly, I still don't have a headstone for him, his father promised when he came, we would put one up, but things were rushed, and he left again without completing the promise. I will do what I can to make it happen soon as I have the funds to get a stone. 

But the site is called Find A Grave or FAG online abbreviated. I found so many relatives on this site and its nice as often you can find a biography and photos of the person as well as family they had, and I love being able to add lost family to these sites too. But until recently i had no way to make a memorial page for Suhayb as the cemetery was not listed and I wasn't sure how to go about getting it listed and documented online. It is one of the oldest in the city and sadly it's in a state of disrepair and its dismal place to go to except in spring when things are so green. It's a place to bury the dead and forget them to me. Men often go on the Friday after prayers to pay respect but often only to a newly buried person so after a while you are forgotten there. 

Here is the page for him and you can visit him there and pay a respect by adding a flower by joining in you can do that or just let me know here that you stopped by. Suhayb Tahir “Sufa The Legend” Faris (1989-2013) - Find a Grave Memorial I added his nickname as that was so much a part of who he was. 

The second was my mother and I had also now found my birthfather but sadly too late to have known him even a day. But my mother is here Alice Bowen Kettering Roder Jacobson (1940-2013) - Find a Grave Memorial I got into a bit more info on her page when I created it and some of it was to release pent up feelings that I needed to heal. Since she was cremated, there is no grave marker, and I wish someone would put at least a marker near her parents of the kids who have died without a grave and sit in a jar on someone's shelf. Today I'm working on genealogy and finding connections to Magna Carta Surety Barons and Mayflower ancestors. 19 of the Surety Barons and 7 of the Mayflower are direct ancestors and more are connected by marriage to both of my parents but more on dads' side for some reason yet both parents came from European roots. I have found connections to Kings and Queens of many countries and famous folks from Elvis to Mohammed Ali and Ava Gardner to Johnny Cash and June Carter and most of the Presidents even Obama are related to me and thankfully one isn't that I can say for now, never know who is on your tree so be careful what branches you jiggle you never know what might fall from it. 

https://en.minbarlibya.org/2017/12/08/libya-new-wave-of-attacks-against-sufi-sites/ Suhayb is buried in the same cemetery as this, and it was bombed just days after he visited it with a cousin and sadly i only got to see the rubble and what still stands as they have not removed it and left it to fall in and rot, I guess.

But with finding my father and I will come back and share that story although I have made sure that it won't be lost to time either as that story is just as important to who I am as my mother. But now I have both sides of the coin as we say, and I can feel whole even if it wasn't the answers I wanted to find I have a truth and now I can adventure further into the past and find more cool ancestors to say hey I'm related to ..... and the kids say, "mom will it make us wealthy, then why do you do this?"

Its Still A Wonderful Life?

 Wow It has been too many years since I last posted here. I first have to thank my new SIL for buying me such a wonderful gift of a laptop with working keys! My poor PC over the past few years had taken tolls on my writing and like my life never ending somethings. I will have to look back at my last few posts to see where I need to catch folks up on life. I still battle with depression states of mind so maybe writing again will help me relieve some of that depression. I will be brief today but promise myself to come back at least once a week and catch the world up on my life here. I can still say that I don't regret moving here. It has been a good life for the most part and who can complain to be retired at 65 with a home and farm and at least a few family members to live with? Lots of things going on and some good news and the hope of a new life by end of year to fill out our family tree a bit more. My own tree has a few new branches, and I have finally found out who I really am and where I fit. It wasn't an easy journey this past few years but that is a story for another day for sure. 

Don't Count Your Chickens Before They Hatch

 You've heard that old adage probably a dozen times in your life in Western society. It means don't count on things to go as planned. 

Often, I have a student or acquaintance ask me the meaning of such terms they've heard. It's usually easy to give an example in life for them to understand the meanings. 

Today, well this past month and honestly years now I have found this one often the most bitter pill. You make a plan, you buy 10 chicks and then you get food and a hen house and you think hey in a short time, im going to have eggs, then I can sell those eggs and buy more chickens and a bigger henhouse. Then if I get a rooster; you need those, well then I can let those hens sit on eggs and hatch chicks and put them out in the garden and well I can sell those chicks, let them grow and eat them or sell their eggs..dreams. We all have them. One part of my journey here was knowing that life here hadn't changed much. People still farmed and lived off their land and their animals. It's getting fewer but I hope that people will keep these ways. While the West is trying to go backwards, here is saying, "we want that".. But the reality is you've got the better deal and you just don't know it. 

So let me go back to my story. My reason for writing today. I keep promising myself im going to blog more. But still waiting on my PC to be repaired for one. But let me tell you this months story. My daughter Aieysha has her dogs and we got to point where she finally had two good quality breed females. A stud male when we needed him and we last summer had a grandson to our oldest female Desdemona. Her name came about after reading Othello with a college student of mine. Well if you know the story Desdemona is a white woman who meets and marries a Moor, a black man. Well our Desdemona was black. She was a beauty and full of kindness. She only wanted to be loved. Few years ago we bred her for the first time and got a nice litter of puppies. All but two were black. A male and female. The male Rollo went to a great family and we see him often. But Winnie, oh she was beautiful. Gorgeous color and all those Labrador folds of skin you would think she was a Sharpei. But she was just like her momma, just wanted loving. 

Aieysha and well all my kids are currently in USA with their dad. The girls went back to get papers and get a GED so they could do more things in life. Aieysha wants to be a vet. Since we came in 2012, its slowly became a reality and she is getting her certifications so she can study here and open a much needed clinic out here and be an extension to training of young vets as well. So while she is away, my sil and I are here with her children and tending our animals. 

So back to the counting chickens part..well I cant count the number of times we made plans and things went along fine them bamm, we lost so much. First winter here we had a female deliver 20 pups and it was a storm and no power and she labored two days and her kennel was outside and well in a matter of days, I buried all 20 pups. It was hard but by then we were use to losses and we just kept moving forward. Well last month, Desdemona was fine I had taken her out and walked her and the next afternoon my sil found her dead. We think a scorpion bite. It was an extremely hot early spring day so we couldn't take time to wonder why and the flies were coming from all over..so we buried her and then the hardest was calling my daughter. I couldn't. I let her husband tell her. We cried..

Well last week I noticed that Miss Winnie was looking a bit fat. They had been eating and not getting runs as much so I thought shes just fat..get her out and let her run. But nope, she was pregnant. Now dogs are nearly halfway through a pregnancy before they really show signs and you cant really tell on ultrasound unless you got a good machine. Aieysha plans to get one as it will be needed out here since we are rural. So we took her to a clinic and the guy had an old machine. Scanned one side and said 5 pups and maybe 10 days til delivery. 

So we began to prep the birthing room and her welping box and make plans for any day. Night before a heavy storm rolled in and the weather dropped and we decided to put her early in her room just so she wouldn't chill. We should have had a week still to go. But we all know storms can cause animals to go into labor. Sure enough the next morning she was panting..moving around in her box. Vomiting a few times, all of which is normal. So we prepared to be on labor duty. We had a power outage half that night until early morning but she was fine. In the morning, I looked in on her and her heavy panting had relaxed. Ok so maybe we got a few days still. Every few hours one of us would check on momma Winnie. I began my dinner and a neighbor had offered a meal for my sil and the kids. So I cooked and broke my fast and was eating my dinner. Not quite done and my granddaughter comes to the door. Grandma, Winnie died..just like that. It took me back over 25 yrs to the day a neighbor boy died..his sister when I asked how her brother was today said with a voice I will never forget, "Oh he died last night". She was maybe 5, and her brother had been born with a birth defect.. Since birth they waited for him to die..he was 10. 

So I told her NO, don't say that! No, daddy is teasing..the puppies are coming and maybe one has died..I hurried next door to her room..no..I was wrong..Winnie had died while we ate dinner. But wait she has puppies..

My sil suggested it might be too late, I had only felt one moving earlier which I thought odd as with her last litter I could feel lots of wiggles..we quickly got supplies and we made an incision on her side. Now here is where life here makes this easier..while the west puts meat in pretty packages, here often you find the shop has animals waiting.. No pros or cons its life as it has been lived for millennias..the meat in our shops were killed that morning. But this isn't some animal you never saw until that moment..this is a newborn pup I held myself and gave breaths too just a few years ago..this was a dog who was as we say, part of our family. 

But we knew we had to hurry if we had any chance to save even a few babies..one by one we pulled out puppies.. And each life had passed..12 pups..not 5. A few were black in the sacs so I think that they had died and she had gone septic..her last pregnancy we had a few that were stillborn. 

After we delivered the last puppy, I cried..not even one. The kids had been there. They sat on a couch holding one wrapped in a cloth. We try to let them live in the reality of farm life. 

I cant count the animals we've lost in the time we have been here. We rescued hundreds by now. Few make it and we find homes or like our cats they become part of life here on the farm..but its those you spent effort on. Not the day old chick you bought that you found, but the one you break out of its shell and get a hen to accept. Its the lamb whose mother died you feed for days, to find sleeping in death under a tree. Its the puppy who is sick from parvo as its still not well known here and few people know about shots to prevent..its not the dog hit by a car, broken legs and hip. Its not the sheep you raise only to lose from pox a few yrs later..with two babies too. 

I stopped counting chickens..

Hey I didnt Lose Access!

 Omg guess its been a long time since I was here but with Twitter possibly dying I had to go somewhere. For now I'm trying mastadon but don't have my link figured out yet..so if you want to find me on twitter I will be there until it dies or resurrects or by email which is faiszahfaris@gmail.com. Again I pretty much am retired so even email isn't something I use often but after losing all my old email accounts I need a way for people to find me. 

I wont post much today. I didn't think I could access my blog again and I'm on a cell phone typing with one finger which makes my hands go stiff after a bit. So just a hello and hope some folks who have known me will find me here. 

I'm not set up for doing blogs so its going to be slow. Need to figure out what is wrong with the pc so I can type or get a new desktop so I can type. Life is bit of mess right now and lots going on but one day at a time. See you soon. I promise. 

The Good Wife

 Humm, not sure if this is the right title but every time I've written a story I've used the first words to pop in my head..so wait there was another one Dust...well that's in the wind!  Oh forgive me I'm trying to be bit lighthearted after yesterday's adventures..

Sorry dear readers; do I still have any? I mean I looked just now as I was trying to remember how to access my account and saw it's been almost a year since I blogged..

For one reason, I'm still on a phone and internet credits and let's not forget POWER OUTAGES...but the biggest is I spend most my time on Twitter..look me up @oldmommatajuri 

It's another year and mostly I come back to my blog for memories. Facebook sucks now and often the "You Got Memories" are often the ones I don't want to forget but don't want "Hey your favorite memory is the image of your totaled car that killed your son". 

But I'm sorry I digress. Dust in a way it's fitting for this month. It's fall here and ladies prepare their homes for winter. So dusting, cleaning and moving around furniture is common during this cooler time. 

There was a time when I didn't really do a lot of housework GASP!! And I had a dear friend I envied on her wife skills. We were even because she envied my skills in anything but wife chores..

But today I decided that I would clean the only rug in my house. I specifically had tile put in every room not just the base tiles but nice tiles. Nonslip outdoor tiles for main areas and a faux wooden look tile for the bedrooms. I knew this was my last home and I wanted it to be all that we dreamed as well as suited for two people growing older and kids gone. Easy to care for and secure for elderly people. 

Todat I decided to remove the rug and sweep the main salon. Wash the rug and prepare for cooler season. I have one rug it's 7x12 ft I think it's 3x5 meters. It's just a piece of thin rental house quality carpet. When I was in real estate I learned a few things plus my son in law Mike was trained in Tile and Carpets and the yr or so we helped with his family business of house repair and remodeling I learned more things. 

Carpets have a thickness called Pile, a texture or Weave and a backing that varies and really makes all the difference on the quality of carpets..in the USA we also use Padding and Felt to help cushion the floors. So I know my carpets and tiles. 

But after years of owning the best vacuums in the world Kirby, Kenmore and Dyson as well as owning a Rug Doctor I was a bit miffed moving here. From very young most girls know how to use a broom and a mop. Over the years we have seen a revolution in cleaning and I had gathered the best to take care of my home..then I moved. 

We learned quickly that women here spent a good portion of their days on menial chores unlike their western counterparts and the dreaded cleaning of carpets is one chore i decided early on was NOT part of my life. Girls usually get this job and often its done by as many as you can gather because it is back breaking and really should be something men do..lol stop laughing..really ok im serious stop laughing.. think about it. Look at the rugs here they're huge. Not only must you carry them outside, wash but carry sopping wet to the edge of the house and toss them half over the walls so they drip dry in the sun..God forbid it rains or a dust storm and all your work is ruined.

But the tools you have to carry out chores here are one step up from dinosaur days..I've been here 9 yrs now and yet to see a real vacuum cleaner not a shop vac with attachments..that is not a vacuum! And ladies Mops and Brooms, I don't know how but you ladies go through hundreds if not thousands in a lifetime..I've had 1 broom since I moved here. When we bought the farm I bought 4 sets but the construction guys destroyed them. I have an inside set, an outside cleaning set and a set for outdoor bathroom..so currently 6 sets. Here it consists of a mop a broom.. the mops are the worst. When we came it was a white rag you rinsed and wrapped around a squeegee to wipe up the water you bucketed onto the floor..every few minutes you need to take it off, wring it out, wrap it again and wipe..doing this over and over until you get all the water. To my western mind that was insanity..I mean we ladies in USA stopped this nonsense back in the 60s. In my lifetime I've owned about every stage of mop developed and there are only a few I really called successful. But few yrs ago you finally got better mops. The one I prefer is like the Swiffer Sweeper..it's a long base with a pad that is removable great for dusting or low water cleaning of floors. I hate tons of water on floors. 

I found a great broom at Ace Hardware yes they had one here but it's closed now..but it's the right broom for my cleaning style. I try to tell folks they don't use the right broom here for the task and that is half the reason you constantly have to buy new ones..watch a guy use a dust broom to sweep a sidewalk..pushing dirt and rocks and gravel with a dust broom! No you need a PUSH broom..

Then I see some ladies and boy does it bring back memories of my childhood but they use the cut branches of date trees to sweep carpets or outside areas. Reminds me of the straw broom we used as a kid to clean the area around the house or old dirt floors. 

I wanted to add photos but I can't see that option so if I figure it out I will add them. But I've seen ladies here spend hours cleaning rugs..yes in the USA I spent hours cleaning with my Rug Doctor my carpets to reduce the crud that irritated my asthma that I now have..it was one reason I went for tiles..no dust, no dander..sweep and wipe. This last week I made it to 34 yrs of  marriage, i cant say i was a good wife all those years. I tried to be. I came here and tried to learn what i could to fit in but i dont know if i ever will. But my house is tidy. My family fed and clean and at the end of the day its enough. 

So I know I've said it before...I will write more. Check my Twitter..I write there. Until I get a computer where I can see more than 5 inches and type with 2 hands instead of a finger..visit me. 

Time Heals

They say when a tragedy befalls you, "time will heal all wounds", but does it? My second son his first Eid here was sliced open at the elbow, nice deep cut to the bone..yeah it healed. My daughter Aieysha had her index finger nearly amputated at 2 yrs old, yeah it healed..but look at the wounds..nice scars. What are scars? It where the skins sends extra cells to knit together a spot torn by injury or in some cases surgeries. For a time they hurt, itch, drive you nuts, but if you had a good doctor with suture technique well there isnt much of a scar...but what about those big scars? You know like the one you get from trashing yourself playing sports, or cutting yourself with knife or some mishap. Those can be ugly and even though they heal, folks are always saying, dude what happened there? Gross looking scar..." Or as any woman can attest to those baby scars..stretch marks riddle your once beautiful body over your chest, belly, legs..or c-section scars, how many carry that battle scar?
Anyway those aren't the scars I'm going to talk about tonight...how many years since I've blogged? 2015? I was just finding out I was going to be grandma again..wow..I've been away too long.
I could go on a long catch you up but no tonight I want to talk about scars..
Tomorrow. Well if you dont know what tomorrow is to me, you dont know me. You haven't been part of me, you're a newcomer..tomorrow would have been the 30th birthday of my first son. Now before you think my other 6 kids dont mean much, your wrong..but the first child..the first boy, first girl those stick..like the last one..why because there will never be another first born and your last isnt always planned but when they are the last they're special. All my children are special.
Just two days ago here in my new home, Libya, a house was hit 3 children died, three little girls. Their mother and another girl were seriously injured, the father was left devastated..
Death..death is a scar. It isnt beautiful it's one of those ugly ones that everyone sees and is either dude what happened or turn your eyes because you cant bear to look them in the face..
Death came knocking 6 yrs ago and tore a huge hole in my world..death left a scar that no amount of makeup can hide..its ugly..its healed not in smooth sutured lines of a crafted tailors stitch but a haphazard ragged rush job pulled together with a dirty, rusted needle that caught and pulled and tore the skin..it pulled it together in a mass of tissue that heaved up and reddened and left a mark..
Every year I hope this time around it will be easier..I put on concealer and powder my face and add blush but after a short while, it begins to flake off and the scar is there staring at me in a looking glass or a glance in a car mirror.
So what can I do?
For years I visited my sons grave every month, but moving 35 minutes out into farming area well going into town nowadays we plan..hey I'm going to the cemetery, want to come?
No...
Scar one..
His grave looks like hell, why do I want to see that?
Scar two...
It's been 6 yrs, get over it will you.
Scar three...
Unanswered questions
Scar four...
Special days he's not here for
Scar five..
My family is still torn apart
Uncounted scars...
So tomorrow I'm going alone, I might sit few minutes or hour I dont know. Its fall and might not be too hot..
Scars...when does time heal?
I will try to come back but if you missed me I'm on Twitter daily..@oldmommatajuri
I'm typing on my cellphone so I cant even see full screen..
But I've been thinking about my blog lately..its an old friend.