Traditions, 1st and 2nd Generations and Expats

Sitting here this morning watching a show on TV called "Namesake" got me thinking
about a few things. 32 yrs ago a young man traveled to a new land, not knowing at the
time he would not return home again til 32 yrs had passed.  What ever his reasons for not returning home all those years I still have only bits and pieces. We really haven't had much time to talk about why he left and for
many years it really didn't matter. He never really spoke of home. When we had children
he felt there was no need for them to learn his native tongue they would probably
never meet their grandparents or any other relatives and except for a few friends that
lived somewhat close to us, there was no need in this new land.

We had promised each other when and "IF" the time ever came we would head home.
No ifs and buts about it we would go.  His family at one point had sent us tickets for hubby, myself
and our new son. We could not go then part being a promise he had made to me
we would never leave without trying to get daughters who I had been denied
back in my custody from a first husband who had made my life miserable for the years in
which he lived. It was not til his death nearly 15 yrs later could we even dream of that.

Now, move forward in time. Five other kids had became part of our small family, neighbors and
other local muslim families became our "family". I myself not really having much to do with
my own family members most living scattered across the USA.  My First generation children of a mixed race
mixed culture family, knew little of the world of Islam beyond the borders of the local
mosque and saw on TV like many of us the cracked, fractured and misunderstood world that they were
a part of but not a part of.

With the fall of Tripoli almost a year after the war began, a glimmer of hope rose in my heart. My husband
felt with trepidation the glimmer of hope as well. I PUSHED him along in the hope that one day soon;
I mean I could go tomorrow, but we had responsibilities and after years of separation with my two oldest daughters I had a relationship with my youngest daughter who I had the least time with. Her and her husband and my two wonderful grandsons lived blocks from me and Grandma got to see them whenever she wanted. How could I now uproot and move to another place clear on the other side of the world? I had my other daughter with her two children living in another state but the idea of a house with grandma and grandpa visiting on weekends and those darn family days suddenly seemed to crumble. After 25 yrs of marriage and of not really setting roots everything we knew was about to be suddenly changed.

Sure we could just go on with our lives here, going back and forth visiting family here in the winter and living in our country visiting it when we could. In reality we barely made a life in the USA and struggled to give our children the things that made life what it was.  So the cost of traveling to another country halfway around the world for a few weeks each year was not in the remotest chance of happening. My husband and I talked, well take that back "I" talked, he grumbled. I told him your the oldest son for your mother and your youngest brother has carried them all these years and wasn't it time that he bellied up to this responsiblities as a man? See Kharma works like that, you ignore your grandparents, your parents and well
when your own kids grow up well it will come back to haunt you.

He finally relented, and we made plans to visit and see how things were. I mean they had just came out of a war and 32 years of repression and lack of even basics and we wanted to come headlong into that? So we packed two suitcases each and took what we could and headed home.

Things really hadn't changed much since the kids and myself were here 6 yrs ago. Not physically but mentally yeah. AS I said before there was a new air about the people.

It took a bit first a bit of anger on the parts of the kids being drawn up into this MOVE and being dragged from all they had every known. Me being the child of a military family it was all I ever knew and I was getting restless having sat so long in one place. Maybe I was selfish.

Its 6 months in and hubby returned to the states back in November to settle our business there. Wish I had planned differently, wish I had more time to plan when I was planning and people had listened to me and readied themselves. Packed up the rooms when I suggested it saying at least if we come back things will all be here and not dusty and we can repaint and refresh the house at worst.  Now he is packing our life in boxes, hopefully not tossing out what he didn't know was important.

I attended a Volunteer group today, we got there an hour late I thought we would be on time. No they seemed to be just about wrapped up. Two people spoke to us we got a few stares. I was hoping to see some folks from Twitter there if you were there I wish we could have met. The young man we had met that assisted us in getting there told me he had called my son so he was on the way back felt bad 1/2 hour and hey come back. Something I don't know said, "Don't think they really care if you came, these youth."

Hope I'm wrong. I'm frustrated not having anything to do and not having money to do more that I NEED to do after sitting in a basement for almost a year watching screens show me a world thousands of miles away and wishing I could be there to do something, anything, I feel unwanted and unneeded. Maybe im'm wrong, I pray I am. Where is the activism that I saw sprout out and yell for the chance to make a difference? I went out to the local ducan (store) and watched as the restaurant deposited their garbage on the sidewalk in front of the store. One bag broke open and salad and bits and pieces of food fell onto the ground
its not that hot yet the flies have yet to multiply to monstrous proportions, but by days end I'm sure it stunk. They looked at the mess and walked off waiting for the cleanup crews to pick it up.

So much needs to be done. Locals will ask, "where do we start?" Youth will say we got to have jobs, we are bored, we don't want to pick up garbage or clean up a mess of a building. It's not our job. Much needs to change. Again I pray that those outside, those who know better and have been raised differently, should come home.  We need, LIBYA needs your help.

What will the next generations have? What are we building now that will benefit them? Certainly not a new shawarma shop....Grand Prix racing? Do we really need that? Glitzy buildings of foreign companies touting goods and services that would be better if they could harness the local economy and skills have begun to come. I guess there is a place for Cinnabons and Starbucks Coffee.  Where is a shop that shows off and sells Amazigh clothing and wares? Harness the dates and the honey and all the riches of the
country in natural beauty.

Oh I forget while we sit, foes still plan and whisper in the ears of youth and tell them that the dream is not their dream.  Burn down that store, kill that person for some old wrong, destroy a bit more of your history that hasn't already been damaged from time or lack of care. Destroy your history, bit by bit til nothing is left. Fill the beaches with hotels and resorts touting the views of the Gulf while slowly you destroy the view for those who sit behind it. Block off bits and pieces as your own and charge to use what should be the right to free use of all Libyans.

I look back to my own country, how long after our own revolution did it take us to turn our country around? Set up government and laws?  I don't know i'm a genealogist by hobby, but a historian no. I'm no politician, no mega conglomerate. I'm one person who had a dream.  Keep reading my blog, not many people respond to me so I have no idea who is really reading it or what they think about what I am saying.
I'm a dreamer, maybe a fool. But I'm not the only one. Realizing as I post this today that most of this I have already said before. Guess the feeling is still there.

Humm, Trying to Think of a Catchy Title?

Sitting here its early morning like most of my days.  Been a week or more since I got sick and pretty much haven't gone beyond my front door. Came down with Pneumonia and had a few trips to doctors and clinics. Guess I could tell you about that since well if you got kids its going to happen you will have to visit a clinic or hospital soon enough so brace yourself.  First, I have to say I have connections so from what I have seen so far I guess its tame as compared to other places you might end up visiting. Tajura is home to a Heart Hospital which I guess was one of the best since it was right across from the Khamis Katiba. During the war a dear friend had family members working there and we held hands virtually each night reading for bombing raids on the Katiba across the street. Let me say NATO did well not a scratch on the surrounding buildings. Katiba well that's pretty much demolished. Second, you have free clinics and you have pay a fee clinics. Honestly except for conditions of the building I haven't seen much of a difference so far. The level of medical supplies varies and you best listen to family on where to take someone depending on connections and your location. Fatimah sprained her ankle a few months back and we went to the first hospital and they had no one in radiology available at night. Second hospital had someone but you pay a fee so we went on farther into Tripoli and ended up at one there. Connections got us seen pretty quickly. Funny story one of the family members who took her well the family wants her to marry him, so she is limping around while the "doctor" in the family is scurrying around trying to find his buddies to look at her and another cousin who went with us is like "how about we slow down and find her a chair to sit in since she seems to be having trouble walking" look on his face. No there is no emergency room check in. No there is no triage nurse to assess your needs, at least that i have seen so far. So back to my illness, we went to the Heart Hospital first its free and late night the local clinic was closed pretty much. I had been coughing a week or more and had gone to the local pharmacy with a couple that speaks English helping me choose cough medicines. Name brands here are different so use the internet when you get a medication PLEASE as contradictions are not discussed here. If you have health issues or allergic reactions to medications please check online sources like WebMD before you take any medication there is no Walgreens Pharmacy personnel that has every medication you ever took on their computer and can sit and discuss any reactions with you.  Pharmacies are iffy when it comes to who is behind the desk. Anyways, I was having difficulty breathing since a over the counter (everything is over the counter here) medication i had taken from suggestion by the Pharmacist gave me a reaction of asthma. I was barely speaking above a whisper and was trying to fill my son in on what I thought the doctors might need of my medical history. We sat outside cause inside was crowded and I just could not breathe inside. The family member who went with us gave my name and possible reason for visit to the clerk in the hallway and we sat waiting. He kept going back and fourth asking when I could be seen and a "doctor" came out looked at me talking to my son and said, "well she is talking so I guess she is breathing OK".

We finally were seen and I showed the doctor behind the curtain the medication I had taken and my son told him that it gave me a reaction. Seems as if he had another patient with the same issue so I got standard treatment. What is standard treatment? Well I get to sit on a bed that has a single sheet of tissue on it in a curtained off section with a few instruments in it and wait for a bottle of oxygen to be set up. I was given a nebulizer and sat up on the end of the bed breathing it in. NO medical history, NO xray, NO doctor comes in to assess me beyond someone listened to my chest. After a bit I was released and sent home with some more medications.

I took that stuff for a week but I was getting worse and we went to another hospital and my family member commented see that is why we go to Tunisia for care. But I told him if Libyan's have to see these doctors then that is who I see. Not like I could go to Tunisia.  The second doctor was three hospital later we found a friend of my nephew on duty at a PAY hospital  He spoke English and my son sat outside since this time I took my SIL with me. I was sent into a room with a few nurses is all i can guess as to why they were sitting there.  I was told to sit and a sweet young lady set me up for oxygen.  The two ladies who had just occupied my BED moved over to the adjoining bed and sat playing with their cellphones behind the curtain while I looked on in awe. My sister in law needed a place to sit so she sat on the same bed as them. While I got my treatment they sat chatting about their settings I guess. After a bit he told me we needed to go get a chest xray and we went downstairs to have that done. The intern at least asked if I had jewelry on thank god. I had one man come in and in broken English told me hold still and breathe in and hold it. Glad I know about chest xray procedures. After a few minutes we were handed our film and we went back upstairs. He took a look and said I had Pneumonia I could see the cloud in my lower lung. He wrote out a new prescription and we were off to home. After a week on that medication I still had a rattle in my lungs and worse in the night and mornings when i felt like something was sitting on my chest. So, after a week I felt it was best I go see him again. We called and he was not in but we saw another English speaking doctor and he ordered xrays, looked at the medication  I had been prescribed and asked me a few questions about my health. There is a light at the end of the tunnel!!  As we wrapped up he asked me why we had came a common question I have gotten since we arrived. I told him Libya needed people to help now, people with experiences outside of Libya who could help inform or educate Libyans on what was missing here. And I told him I kept a promise to my hubby. This was his home and we were here to stay. He smiled an told me he hoped that within 10 years Libya would be better. I like that optimism. I thanked him for his time and he told me come back in a week so we can assess you again. See there are good doctors.

Its also a bit to tell you conditions of hospitals. They all need repairs even the nicer ones. They try to keep them clean but well think about the local free clinics in your town, yeah like that. Low on supplies, old outdated machines, not quite so sterile environments. Well all I can say is if you have family with serious health issues you might want to wait. Normal everyday stuff well educate yourself and be proactive. So far we have had no surgery or serious medical condition so I cant comment on things beyond what I have seen. I heard horror stories, most will say better to go outside, but think about it if Libyans continue to go outside for medical then when does their system get better? What about those who cant afford to go outside? Libya deserves just as good as the rest of the advantaged parts of the world have.  Yes it will take time but if people continue to accept things as is well when does the change begin?  The doctors and nurses need to be evaluated and hospitals need to be brought up to standards.  Painted and repaired and bring medical supplies into them so even the smallest of clinics can have better.  Pharmacies need actual people who studied more than a week to give you medications. And laws need to go into place for medications so that you simply cant walk into a store and buy anything you want without a prescription. And they need follow up of patients, medical record systems, charts and triage and so much more. I have been told many doctors ask for this but are denied by higher up as not a necessity.  I can tell you its a necessity.  Im feeling much better after this last course of medications a bit raspy this morning but i forgot my nightime syrup and I hate that metallic taste in my mouth all night long. On Sunday I will go back cause I do believe in followup at my age.

Some may say I'm dreaming here. Libya is full of issues and no way will it be better even in 10 years. Well with that attitude no it won't.  People need to demand in honest dialogue changes be made. Progress will take time. But small steps are being taken everywhere people are waking up and seeing they deserve better. Medical health is a issue in many countries and no system is perfect not even Canada's system as my son suggested.  I'm sure there are people there who slip through the cracks in the system.  Everyone deserves in this day and age better.  Not just the ones who can afford it.  Well its been an early morning I was up before the crows for once.  Been sleeping oddly lately with this cold but I think in a few days I will be my old self again and I will be back driving around town trying to find my way in a new place. Thanks for listening.

Be Swayah and InShallah Or "Step by Step and If God Allows"

Seems as if I can't sleep and I find I'm able to access my blog account for once so let me get it off my chest so I can sleep. Seems as if the terms step by step and If God Allows have become the two most common words around here. Step by step my kids are learning how to speak Arabic and If God Allows you will remember the offer or promise you made to my family. Now let me rant a bit....

First, I'm beginning to realize after all this time that my husband never thought he would come back to his country so that's maybe why he felt there was no need to teach his kids his language let alone anything about his native land. Second, we have always tried to teach our kids when you promise someone something you do your best to keep that promise and if you can't for some reason let them know why. Seems simple enough.

We have been in Libya now since September and Taher went back to the states to wrap up our life there and yes I had hoped he would be back by March but teasing us saying he left us here and found a new wife or to keep asking when he is coming back EVERY time you see us can get painful. Second, we don't know the language so how about offer to take us shopping and let us actually shop for the things we said we needed not "Hey I guess we just came along to follow you around while U do your shopping". Months later I have gotten use to a calculator as a tool of language and I am blessed that Libyans in general are honest people and if I have handed you too much money you are kind enough to say this is too much we needed this much. See I will remember it like the guy today who I know darn well I gave him a dinar for the potatoes yet when I took my potatoes and turned away you insisted that I hadn't paid you yet. That guy isn't getting return business. Plenty enough vendors on the line and yes I remember now how much they should cost so I can haggle the price if I'm so inclined next time. Next I'm a very prompt person and yes I can be patient a bit but if I say I wanted to go at a certain time then 4 hours later is not an option...get it.

Next, as a Foreign wife, being separated from your spouse is hard enough for most people but to have people tease you is insensitive....it may not hurt me personally but my child standing there is another story especially cause they miss their father too.
Then now lets move on to getting us comfortable in our new surroundings. We came with pretty much a suitcase each leaving behind all our other possessions until they can be shipped so let me see what would YOU pack? Surely not a gown for parties, shoes that you wear less than once a year, clothes for more than a week, things that provide a bit of comfort from home, like maybe a game or that favorite toy that was left on the bed cause they didn't really think dad was going to stay there was he? So going to a Wedding or a Baby Shower or just about any social gathering can be a bit difficult and lets see it was summer when we came so now its cold and no we don't have warmer clothes with us...and my kids are not your size nor is that outfit anything they could wear cause your all pencils here and my kids well are built different. Next, IF you are going to invite us to something would it not be nice to actually tell us what day its on and dear GOD what should be the proper attire to wear to this function see we have never been to a LIBYAN one before to know. Secondly, how about sit near us or ask someone to sit near us and fill us in on the customs we see before us or maybe offer to take the kids around to meet your friends so they can you know MEET SOME PEOPLE!! I mean they did leave their world to come here and all their friends and now instead of going out and meeting people they sit in a house all day or you promised them to take them to so and so well over a month ago and yet you still haven't found time to fulfill that promise.
Now put yourself in our position, if you came to our country let me see we have middle eastern markets, restaurants and large communities of other expats that many of us go out of our way to introduce you to and make you feel welcome and at home. I should also remember after the umpteenth time that we know you didn't bring much with you so let me take you shopping so I can help you to assimilate yourself into my world.  Then, hey I'm really busy but I can ask so and so to sit near you and fill you in on our social customs of why we do this here.

Honestly, I do love it here. I am determined to make my life here and yes I don't expect to find everything from my native land in yours but if I really wish I had something and you know where it can be bought how about take me there or stop by and get it and I am more than happy to pay you back or thank you generously. Growing up in a military family I remember momma going to the new neighbors to "get a cup of sugar" see that is how you introduce yourself to others and most military wives have a bit of a club where when they have a new family in town they get together a basket of stuff and walk over an say hi and offer to take them around base or town to show them where you can get this and that. You bring your kids by and they take them out and introduce them to their friends so hey your kids can make some new friends cause their whole life has just been uprooted and they are heartbroken having to say goodbye again....seems its not like that here.

I promise ladies those of you who know me you come to Libya contact me and I will be happy to take you around and show you where you can find your basics then we plan a social visit where I can bring by a few friends and we can chat for a bit.

Now I'm beginning to feel a bit better putting my feelings on to paper as the saying goes or airing my dirty laundry some might say...oh well take it as you like.
Tonight was the third night of a wedding for a family member. After months of waiting for my car it finally arrived and we washed it and were excited to finally have our own transportation to go somewhere and not have to rely on waiting for someone and being split up into a dozen cars to go somewhere where one of us has been there for hours while the other sat waiting for so and so to get ready..
My son said mom I want to go help set up something for a family member so I need you to be ready to go by this time and I was. I had done my hair and all I needed was some lipstick and I was waiting to get there to put it on since I was covering and didn't want to wipe it off on the scarf I was wearing. And by the way I am not use to wearing a face veil and its hot and I can hardly breathe and see and I am walking in heels that I haven't worn before cause they aren't mine to begin with.  I get to your home to find out hey no one is there. I call other family and NOT ONE BLAME PERSON could tell me it was not going to be there tonight we move to a bigger place, so I go back home to wait for someone else to be ready who is still in their house dresses and not expected to go for another hour or so anyways...so I got livid actually and pulled out my hair that my daughter had worked so hard on to make her old mother look nice and put on my pajamas and crawled into bed. Oh and by the way my two kids are not coming tonight cause they sat in a corner being ignored last night cause "they are American and they don't speak Arabic . And now you know they really feel like attending more wonderful parties in the future and have become more social inverts being pointed at and talked about all evening the last time.  Oh and when it comes to FAMILY I expect you to invite everyone unless its a female only or male only event, cause you know my sons would like to get to know customs here too cause you know one day they will probably choose a LIBYAN wife and they need to start now learning all the stuff they are going to have to go through. And my daughters have pretty much sworn there is no way they are doing that at their wedding!!
So instead of a lovely evening of which no one took out anything to cook cause we all planned to be out and its late so lets walk over to the local sandwich shop for a quick bite to eat.

Now for the "If GOD ALLOWS"....I have always tried to keep a promise to my kids and I have told people if you promise my kids something do it.  I can understand a change in plans but four months down the line and you still haven't met your promise well they give up on you and it makes a rift in our relationship cause I have to tell my kids not everyone keeps promises. Well we finally got our car but that is another rant maybe I will post in the morning cause it's like 3am and I just might finally feel like I can sleep now. So to all of you ladies out there, yes its worth it and more than likely his family is going to do the same to you so do what you can to plan ahead if your not coming anytime soon. Its small hurdles we have to cross over no one in life said it was going to be easy but we are making it and eventually we will have all our stuff from home here and wish for years that we could find that one thing we desire most from back home here that you just don't have or it just doesn't taste like ours does...Be kind to each other folks. Now I will post this on my Facebook account so everyone there can find out what I have been up too. Oh and by the way internet here SUCKS. And more than likely I will not have it again in a few days, week or even a hour from now cause someone was so desperate to have someone from home to talk to that they used up all our minutes...Life goes on.

Birrrrr It's Cold

Hey didn't I move to a warm place so I could get out of the cold?  I mean come on im freezing my tushie off here and its not even morning.  I woke up early well not for me I guess seeing as most mornings i'm up with the roosters and hoped to get online while we still have it.  Internet is a commodity not easily acquired here. I quickly decided to go make a pot of tea and went and checked the thermometer I brought with me, It's 61 in my kitchen and 51 outside.  I think I will go buy a few more heaters today. No such thing as central heat or a furnace or a fireplace here. I'm so darn cold. I am thankful I bought the few blankets I did but we surely need more or how about a shipment of long johns?? Anyone heading to Libya soon?

I finally got into my blog account so the last four posts were made since I arrived and was unable to post or have internet access.  I need to go in and change all my passwords now that the war is over I need something I can remember. Maybe like "Carolyn misses her buddy" or "Grandma misses her babies" yeah no one would ever get those passwords :)

Thanks to a new friend we have internet. We set as-side the money and waited for the store to open the next day only to find out that for some reason the darn place is closed and has been now over a week.  Another dear lady Ameenah loaned me her usb account and I gave it to my nephew to add more money to it but its over a week now and I haven;t heard a word from him so I will have Suhayb call him so we can return it to its owner now.

Things are settling in and yes we have our days here. The other day I wanted to just sit and cry but I was at my sister in laws house and a sad face is met with "What is wrong" looks and how do you explain your bone tired, cold, weary from walking everywhere and waiting for people to get things done?
I could go in the kitchen and do my dishes from last night, nope for some reason the water is down to a trickle again. And my brother in law comes home this morning.  Happened once before the day Taher left for the states and by the time he got around to fixing it we had been two days with no water and could not shower or use the toilet or wash dishes in our apartment. The rest of the house was fine but try running down five flights of stairs to go pee at 3 am. So me and the kids went to various family members houses to stay until he got it fixed.

My poor house needs an overhaul.  Windows are cracked or shutters will not close due to broken parts and its hard to keep the cold out.  As I said we came with very little and even though we have been given a few items its not enough to keep the cold at bay.  Yesterday I tried to use a ladder to replace some light bulbs that had gone out in the girls room and got a big scare. Three were out and I had taken the covers off to wash the dust off of them and one bulb just didn't want to come out of the socket.  I grabbed a light towel just in case it wanted to break in my hands and was finally able to twist it out but it took part of the socket with it. I am somewhat handy folks so don't be alarmed.  Voltages here run 210-240 and very few sockets are grounded and most homes are death traps electricity wise. I am fortunate my father in law knew about fuse boxes and trying to ground the house when he built it long ago thanks to working with the US Airbase here he learned better ways.  I can't say that for some of the family here.  Anyways I replaced the socket and the bulb and climbed down to switch it on. I flipped the switch to hear a loud pop followed by a exploding bulb and a pop at the fuse box followed by black acrid smoke. Bits flew to the ground and scorched the blanket on the bed below. I ran into the room to see if any of it was on fire not like we have any fire extinguishers here. The bulb lay on the ground blackened and had flown directly towards the place I had been moments ago on the ladder thankful that I had no one to assist me and I had gone to turn on the light. I can only imagine my face covered in bits of glass.  I went into the living room where the fuse box is and saw a triggered fuse so I left it that way until my brother in law can look at it. Maybe a week.... If I knew how to shut off the whole house I would take all the outlets and fixtures and redo them myself. I notice at night when we turn off the bulbs that hover over my bed they glow for a bit, residual power.

I had gotten cold enough and said to my son we will go and buy a heater today.  I had seen some electrical units but my buddy who speaks english said the oil radiators were better and Suhayb suggested we go to his friend who sold us the washer to get one. That was at the end of the city on the main road that goes to Tunisia as they call it the Tunisia road. I live just below the coastal road and this is a road farther inland that runs across the country as well. Needless to say it was a walk. My son suggested he try and call one of the young men to see if we could get a lift and he said come back im 15 minutes away. Well we were already a distance from the house and told him no can he find us along the street. The line cut out and we had no answer. We got a bit further down and he told us meet him at the mosque but we where way past that by then. We lost signal again and proceeded to walk the rest of the way to the store. When we arrived we asked the man there to tell our friend where he was located since there is no such thing as addresses its by local info if they can find your store.  Otherwise stand out on the street and wave to them and hope they can find you.  We looked around the store while he helped a customer and eyed a deep freeze that should be next on our list of needs. Since it will be up five flights of stairs Suhayb steered me to smaller units. I didn't like any of the units I saw but he finally got the idea that I needed small and smart. I hate to jam stuff in and not be able to see where that package of burritos is at (not like they have those here but you get the idea).  He showed me a upright unit that had drawers in it and I was great one drawer for each type of item.  We then proceeded to the heater units and he showed us the various models he had. Turkey and Italian seem to be the new "best to own" and China made well leave that to another blog story.  We ended up getting one due to cost more than anything else but I went with the brand they feel is the best of the worst.  I got it home and we hooked it up and it ran for three days yet I felt little heat from it.  Yesterday was Friday and I swore that if I didn't have some heat I was going to take it back and ask for another unit. Not something you can easily do here, no receipts and unless you know the person I doubt you can take things back. I kept seeing the light was off yet the room was cold and I checked and the unit was cold yet was on. I moved it to another plug and lo and behold it worked better at least. Its the second to the largest unit he carried yet in the main living area we are barely warm now. Think I will go and get a few of those 15 dinar electric units for the rooms today if I can find a store open. Another long walk and heavy load. Can;t wait til my car arrives.

A Dinar Will Get You Anywhere

Not having a car seems to be our biggest issue. Few family members have cars and those who do work or go to school and the young ones are always out with someone. Taher was now realizing all those issues I had spoken to him about 6 years earlier were in fact reality.  Everyone says “Tomorrow” “Later” “Next week, Inshallah” and in truth few things get done.  But hey I’m only a woman what do I know. J  Now all those things we needed time to take care of we are down to the wire for Taher to return to the states to finish up our obligations there.  We still are working on the Kitab al Ailah or Family Book.  It’s a book that carries the names of members of your family Father, Mother and as you have children. Taher all these years had still been the only name in his father’s book not removed and put into his own. Now we had days to finish this task that under normal would take weeks to months. Again the word “Wasta” comes into play. Every Libyan will know what it means.. Who you know, or who you are. Thankfully the family still has some good connections and we raced through red tape in hours not weeks.  Taher had to also come to the reality that in a matter of weeks I would be illegal and he would be gone and we would have a problem on our hands if I needed something. Taher hates Wasta but we had no choice they had waited till the last moments to heed our pleas that things needed to be done and they had to pay the piper now.

Among our issues, is the fact that when I became Muslim I chose a Muslim name equal to my English name but in Arabic and when my first child was to be born we wanted Muslim names on his certificate so we went to court and legally changed my name.  Also I took my husband’s last name another thing not done in Muslim countries.  When I prepared to return I knew I needed a birth certificate so I had sent in all the paperwork to show my name change and had all the documents to show it.  Many states don’t show a lot of info on records and I was now down to mothers name, fathers name and a document that said my name has been changed to this.  All that sweet info that us genealogical people love like birth time, weight, parental info was pretty much washed away. Also another glitch hit me. When my mother was born they had not decided on a middle name by the time she was released from the hospital and they family didn't want to pay the additional fees to add a name after she left so unlike many she has no middle name. Over the years she used her maiden name as her middle name but tell that to a court in the Middle East. I was drilled on who were my parents, where were they from, when were they born why wasn't all this info on my papers????

I told my husband her father’s name was Clem add that if nothing else. Tell them we don’t add that info to records each state is different.  I knew their birth dates but why wasn't it in the papers? I don’t know…..

Then to top things all off we were not legally married as far as Libya was concerned. Come on…I have my Islamic marriage certificate, I have my legal USA certificate, isn't that proof enough? I have 5 children you want me to marry again? Sure….last night a man came to the house. I was given four pages to sign while I sat in another room. My nephew Ali happened to be at the house and he became a witness to a wedding. I told my husband where was my Mahar?  He laughed, he told his brother what I was saying and Asaid commented “Taher, where’s the ring to your keys?” You know that metal ring that binds keys…they laughed as Taher handed me the ring.  The man left and we hustled out to eat at a friend’s house for dinner. So November 1, 2012 add it to my list of wedding dates. On a final note this day has one more item. My grandson Beau James would have been 15, as always “Happy Birthday, Grandma’s little angel”.

Eid

For 26 years we had waited to celebrate Eid with family.  I guess in many ways things were not much different than had we sat alone back home.  I tried to ask Taher to find out what the family did customarily so we could be somewhat prepared for the coming days.  I was told the first day we would kill the lambs spend the day cleaning and gutting them and putting the meat away and then the next two days first people would come to us since Taher was older and then we would pay respects to his older siblings on the last day. And of course, Lamb would be on the menu for days.

We got out the first lamb and grandpa came and cut his neck while the children who chose to watch looked on.  Aieysha watched but was unhappy with how they were killed after watching videos online about the Islamic way to properly kill an animal she felt they were doing it wrong but how do you change years and years of the way something is done? (if I can find the video I will post a link for those who choose to see it) It was humane and quick but not with the style and flair she had seen online. So she walked away refusing to watch the rest of the process. Plus the smell bothered her. Khadijah refused to even go to the pen to watch but Fatimah and I and of course the boys lent a hand in the process.  Grandpa for some reason was teasing Suhayl and he got angry feeling grandpa was picking on him so Suhayl was asked if he wanted to go help our cousin who was also cutting his sheep just outside in our common area.  We were half way through the gutting of our second lamb when we heard cries of Taher, Taher!!  Taher looked over the wall of the pen and ran out of the pen. I was in the far end of the pen cleaning out intestines a task no one wants but if you like Ausban someone has to do it.  A few moments later Taher and Suhayb half carried in Suhayl to the courtyard bleeding profusely on his arm. I was told to drop what I was doing and come now. I dropped the things in my hand and ran fresh water on my hands and ran to my son’s side. A long gash about two and a half inches ran across the upper part of his forearm just under the elbow. I grabbed the wound with my fingers to clamp the blood flow and told the kids go get the medical kit from the kitchen. The bleeding stopped with pressure and I waited for the medical kit. I quickly bandaged his arm and we calmed him as his brother had freaked out saying you need to go to the hospital its deep. No, it wasn't deep only through the layers of derma but not into muscle thankfully. I cleaned the wound and bandaged him and they helped him into the house. Then me the gravity of the moment settled in and I had to go into the wash room where my pile of clothes was waiting to be washed and tried to keep from passing out. I’m great at spur of the moment catastrophe but I do feel it and it washed over me. My mother in law was saying something to me and I was trying to tell her if I didn't lie down I was going to pass out let me be a few minutes. 

Since he wasn't going to bleed to death and we still had lambs to take care of he was left to rest while we finished the task. His sisters at his side if he needed anything or his situation worsened.  Later on I cleaned and redressed the wound and determined that one I sure needed more medical supplies that I thought I had brought and two that it was deep but didn't really need stitches, and besides being a holiday except for the hospitals in town all clinics were closed.  The next day he could not move his arm up or down or rotate it at the elbow but I knew he had all of his shots and except for some antibiotic ointment to help heal his skin he would not had any problems. His arm was simply stiff and injured at a bad location. He was due to start work that week but with his injury we delayed it a few days.

House Divided

I still have not found out much about what transpired after we left the last time and all that has happened since but even to mention going to Salem’s house leads to a heated discussion. A few days after our arrival I decided to take Fatimah and go out the gate to the little family market and get an ice cream. As we approached the gate a man walked in and Taher was there to greet him. I saw immediately it was his brother Salem. I hugged him hard and asked where Aieysha was. He informed me that she was at the house and I dropped the idea of going for ice-cream and headed immediately to his house. They were worried I would not find my way I told him I looked at that path a thousand times over the past 6 years I would not forget where he lived.

The path had changed but the things you look for along you way had not walk till you find the road that goes to the school, past the school, the house will be on the left past the women’s mosque. The two houses that were once in front of him now were gone and new ones were being built in their places. This was one of the homes Taher had lived in as a baby and it was gone. Tajura seemed to have a building boom and new houses were everywhere and many new shops have sprung up along the way. 

I came up to the gate and tapped on the door it was open and I slowly walked in speaking so as not to startle anyone as we approached. By the time I had reached the enter door the kids had alerted the women that someone was at their door.  The girls were happy to see us and it took a few minutes to recognize each of the girls. Six years and war had put a few signs of stress on each of them.  After a few minutes they brought Aieysha into the room and sat her near me. Her eyes were weak and she had to be told who we were.

Cancer you are a witch of a woman.  How can you destroy all you touch? How do you suck the life out of infants and children? How do you understand the lives you leave in ruin for every finger that you touch a human life with? I’m sure everyone has seen what cancer can do to a loved one. Strip them of their hair, their beauty, their health and in most cases all that is precious to them. She had now lost the upper pallet of her mouth and I looked into her face and saw only the twinkle of her eyes clouded that they were with Glaucoma the woman I had remembered all these years.

We spend millions on weapons but a human life we seem to not value. We find better ways to kill more people with less but to save a life we seem to hold tight to the money and skills and technology that could save many from misery.

She spoke to me and I knew deep inside that weak body she was there lost in the cloud of pain and medications that did little to ease her suffering. Shortly after, the boys came in and I met Alah her oldest son who we had not met before but had chatted with on the phone over the past year. Now except for the youngest daughter all had married and there was a gaggle of children running around and cuddled in arms to sort into who was whose child.  She asked for Taher and I told her he was at the house with Salem and Inshallah soon would visit.  Another time, that my words would not become truth and we would lose her before he saw her again.  Two short weeks later she was in a return trip from Tunisia for more treatment since it was the only place they could take her since we had yet to get permission to take her to the USA she died on the way back.  They had pulled into a local hospital and there she was pronounced dead but due to the heat they would not release her body until a refrigerated vehicle could be brought.

I remember that morning. I had opened the door to the room that we keep the baby kitten in and I noticed that she moved slowly creeping towards some unseen prey. As she moved across the room I began to follow her and she went out onto the balcony that is outside that room.  I looked around the corner and saw a dove sitting seemingly stunned on the floor.  I watched as she slowly approached the bird. I then saw it was a fledgling and went to keep her from doing any harm to the baby bird. I tried to take it some water but the bird just seemed so tired and kept distance from us if we approached.  Shortly after, it was startled by the cat and flew off the balcony into the wall of the family attached to our common walls and then it bounced into the courtyard of their home, unseen after it fell. 

You see in old superstitions for a bird to enter your home is a sign of pending death. But all that I felt at that moment was sadness that she had fallen and I was unable to reach her to help her.

About two hours later we had a knock on the door and Abra my niece told Taher something but the words “morta” and Aieysha I understood.  Since my mother in laws name is Aieysha I thought something had happened to momma during the night.  He told me no its Salem’s wife. I was told that I was to dress and go with my mother in law and my sister in law to her house soon as we could. 

I met each of the girls and cried rivers of tears all those “I’m going to go over and see her as soon as she is back,” promises gone out the window. And sadly Taher had never made it over to see her.  For three days the standard for mourning we greeted women coming in and out to pay respect for the family. The girls grieved and we had a few problems with them refusing to eat or even drink and I scolded them saying they were all mothers if they refused to eat and got sick would their children not only lose their grandmother but their mother as well and what about their father did he not have enough grief? One of the girls I seemed to feel she was someone I knew but oddly I thought her to be a daughter in law but she was later I realized the second to the youngest and was pregnant with her first babies.  The youngest was the most grief stricken as with all young ladies to think that your mother will not be around for not only your wedding but the birth of your first babies I felt hit her most profoundly.  I told her I could not take the place of her mother but she was like my sister and if ever the girls needed me I was only a phone call away.

In the end whatever had been said or not said it was too late to ask and even Salem I greeted and told if he needed anything I was only a call away.  We saw each other again on Eid as he was oldest so we visited his house along with the last Uncle of Taher left and his oldest sister Shareefa who had lost her husband the year before during the Revolution.  The girls had moved past their grief and as always life moves on.

9/25

First Impressions

I remember someone on Twitter saying they could not wait to hear about my first impressions and to be honest I was so tired and stiff and worn out from travel to have many.  Our final entry into Libya we flew in over the east maybe close to Zawiya and finally through the windows of the plane I saw Tripoli and the airport. Our flights unlike last time went pretty smoothly and except for some bad turbulence prior to landing in Frankfurt we had an easy trip. We made all our connections on time and had only brief layovers at each port. Security seemed highest in Frankfurt where they went through our bags pretty well. I remember one lady picking up a magnifying glass from my daughters school supplies and putting it to her eye and looking and laughing at her co-workers. I guess she thought it was comical the items we had in that bag. Wires, batteries, measuring tools and clay among the assorted items in the bag for education.  We proceeded along and got up the next flight of stairs and Suhayl said, “Hey where’s my ticket?” Khadijah had the fewest bags and went back quickly along the route we had just taken and found it on the ground just past security. Thankful again no one had grabbed it. 

We arrived in Tripoli and walked down an actual ramp this time and looked around, no familiar faces yet. The assorted men told us move this direction and we wandered along the halls till finally I recognized an area I told him last time I met your brother here. A group of men ushered us again to a direction and we followed instructions. Finally I saw a familiar face. “Here Taher, this man is your brother Asaid.” I smiled at the man approaching and the two brothers finally met again after so many years. They thought we had all the bags in our hands and I had to remind them we still had 8 bags to pick up from baggage. Down that hall we showed our passports and had no problem this time with them and we went to claim our bags. A few dollies later we had them and men of the family scrambled in various directions through the hot stifling heat to cars parked who knows where. The kids and I were split up to different cars and off we went on our first view of Tripoli in six years. 

I will be honest here, TRASH was the first thing I saw it was overwhelming the amount of garbage there was it seemed to have multiplied and tripled since we had last came but again I remembered that we had just came out of a war and many services have yet to be restored and waste was one of the many items that was already a problem. The heat was unbelievable it was 108 the day we arrived and we felt every degree of it. It didn't matter how dry we had stayed and how nice we may have smelled that trip home we sweated bullets and rivers of water.

I can honestly say with as much time as I spent looking at the streets of Tripoli on Google Earth it still didn't help me figure out where I was too often. The route I thought he was taking was not the same maybe it was but roads had been built since who knows. He ran through so many back roads and streets I don’t know why he didn't take the main roads to go home it didn't seem that busy for the time of day. I sat in the back with Aieysha and Fatimah and Taher sat in the front with his brother chatting like they had seen each other a week ago not 32 years. Aieysha suffered the most the ride home she was chaffing from the heat and was almost in tears wanting to get somewhere and wash off the grime and cool down. Finally I saw the traffic light in Tajura that I had remembered and we were off to the last few blocks till we arrived home. The main street has changed so much, many more shops than before and people everywhere men and women and children all chatting and walking around the city. Shops that I had never dreamed to see where everywhere and you could see the “money” had finally came to the people.

I saw the government building or as they call it Balidiyah on the corner from our house. I thought he would turn there but he went on. He turned on now what I know was a unfinished road above our home and came down to the house and through the gates of the family compound. Zargoots rang out as the women and men gathered around the cars how we all arrived a few minutes from each other I never will know none of the others seemed to have followed our path. Familiar faces now a bit older and worn came forward and I joyfully kissed and hugged all the family we had waited so long to see. Momma was among the faces but where was Dad?  Finally he shuffled out of the men’s lounge on the side of the house. Dad was alive. I was so worried he had not lived this long and the family just didn't want to tell us, he was much older and slower and not in good health but he was here to finally see his son home. I kept my promise.

We walked into the main family room and it had changed and was remodeled now shorter to accommodate a room for his parents and finally a bathroom on the main level where a closet use to be. We were ushered up the stairs but not to our old level one more floor up to the third floor now. I was concerned as to why we had changed levels but later found out all along we were to have the top floor. We now have five flights of steps to go up and down when at home in the USA 13 steps was a challenge on many days for Taher.

Showers and a change of clothes was in order and finally we ate and the family stayed late into the night and many into the next few days. One family member was visibly missing and Taher refused to ask where they were. Salem’s family, his oldest brother and all his children were nowhere to be seen. For now the mystery has not been fully dealt with so I will leave it for later discussions. 

Within a few days the same old issues settled in and I was thankful that this time around Taher was here to help me deal with them. The kids have their own likes and dislikes and variety of food has yet to arrive for his family I can only say his cause who knows maybe you will have something we don’t.

First Impressions are Libya is FREE and it will take time for those who have lived abroad to adjust to life here. Patience is a necessity here. Look past the decay and trash and heat and sand and you will see the birds, the grass growing in patches all over town and look to the smiles on people’s faces. That is worth every penny.

The Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side of The Fence

Fitting title I suppose as finally we shall return this month to the land that for so many years was ran by green. Not a pretty green, but a green devoid of any charm. A ugly green with no other color to support its glory. Green is the color of Spring but in Libya for 42 yrs it was the most hated color that ever blessed the eyes. Puke green the color you spit when your stomach has turned on a rancid piece of meat. Not the royal green emerald that shines on a woman's necklace but a sad color that no one chooses on a pallet of colors on the color wheel of life.

Last year almost to the dates we now are in Libya became free. Free from the 42 yrs of tyranny that one man and his family of goons held over 6 million people. They are now free. Free to haggle and raise their voices with the masses around the world who yearn to have what others have...freedom. Libyans by the thousands rose up and conquered their fears and defeated this ugly green monster who devoured their hopes and dreams and lives. 

Over the past few months as we have watched them emerge much like H.G.Wells innocent people from the book "Time Machine" they have escaped their Morloch captors.  A new world awaited them. They then had to choose their futures with little knowledge of those who had passed long before them. How different is this of Libya now,they must look to the Time Traveler and ask who will we use as our guides to help us build our new world?

Models from around the world are being tossed about like a leaf on the wind. How about France, lets look at Turkey, how about Dubai? How about Libya becomes what is should be, Libya. Its people are unique as none other in the region. Time and captors have left them in a vacuum of technology and progress. It has a vast wealth of Oil and sunshine that will carry it long into the next generations and if utilized well it could last and cause Libya to prosper for many generations.

We head home soon the final leg of our journey together Taher and I, we begin the last half of our life together. I honor a promise I made 26 yrs ago that where he went I would follow and that one day if the powers that be would allow we would go home. 

His family anxiously awaits his return and I pray that all will go well and our return home will not be in vain. I for one have found out you can return home but it will never be the home that you left. Time erases all of our youthful memories and washes them with a rosy color of our youth.

We pack our bags now with not much more than many who have fled could carry on their backs as refugees from a war but we are fortunate as we will have a home where we are fleeing. At times i'm am angry as I wish I could take much more knowing what lies ahead and wishing to pad my immediate problems a bit. Then I scold myself and remind myself that I have more than many who have left their current lives in a hurry. I have a home and family who is waiting for us, we have a hope of a future that promises to be bright and most of all I have all my family but my oldest girls of course to move with me. Its a heavy heart that thinks of my life without my oldest children being part of it. I hold each of my grandchildren a little bit longer and a little bit sweeter as I know these are precious times. 

I know I will return if Allah permits to see them again and again and maybe at some time in the future they can visit us in Grandpa's homeland. I will miss how many birthdays, special days at school when grandparents can be show and tell but I guess I will console myself in the fact that unlike those before us I can keep in contact with them by internet and maybe one day mail. I can turn on a computer and see my grandchildren and my daughters and share a special moment with them. 

Will the grass be greener on the other side? I know it will not be the green of the past but the lush light beautiful green of Spring that will be there. I pray that all that we hope will see the light of day and I pray that we have chosen and relied on Allah to guide us along the right paths to our second half in life. Take a moment and be thankful we have each other and we are able to make this journey thanks to the sacrifice of over 50K Libyan and the help from strangers near and far who helped Libya in its hour of need. One day I pray that my dear Syrian sister can one day journey home as well. Keep looking here I hope to fill this blog with new adventures and i'm sure a few days of agony and distress. Comment and remind me that i'm a lucky one. Thanks to all who read this blog you have been my companions these past few years. Join me as I begin my last "Trip of A Lifetime". 

Going Home Again Part 2

I know its been awhile for anyone out there reading my blog, since I last posted. I have been busy with life I guess. So let me start by catching some people up on where we all are. Suhayb is working for a local photo studio as an apprentice learning the art of team photos. He goes around the state with a company you know the ones who do our school photos for yearbooks. He is enjoying the travel at best and learning about cameras while going around the state.  Suhayl is working with his sister Melissa's husband for their family business learning construction and repair of homes. Again, he gets to travel around the state. Aieysha has been spending time working with animals she wants to be a animal cop or rescue worker or just have a bunch of her own to take care of. She has a natural ability working with them and she is often complimented by neighbors on her care and knowledge. Khadijah is doing a self study and wants to study history of music. As well she is a great artist and I hope she will continue to draw unlike me who stopped in college. I must admit I've been a bit lax with Fatimah since her relapse in Jan of last year; 10 yrs to the date of her first illness, she does school at home online. We started with a state program but she got behind and got frustrated with all the catching up. We then found classes and books online that she could use and we developed our own curriculum.  


My husband is still working for the local dealership and business ebbs and flows with the economy. Sometimes I feel we are barely making it and I see a dismal future for him and I.  Myself I'm pretty much recovered from my illness but have weakened knees from sitting most of the last year so I'm working on them now to improve my strength so I can walk up and down stairs a bit easier. Melissa and the kids stop by often and my new grandson has been my joy this past year. I'm seeing my daughter as a baby through him. I have to admit he looks much like his grandfather would have looked as a baby and we have compared a few pics of a brother who died at a young age and we see the Jensen face. That's OK, there is nothing that will stop me loving my grand-kids. Macleod is growing and in preschool, his hearing has not improved but seems stable for now. He has given up most signs as he now has a better vocabulary than before but we still use it to keep him from any misunderstandings of communication. Rachael is working at a local call center in Utah were she lives near her father and my adopted father's family. My grandson Caleb is with her and Keeley her daughter moved here to Colorado to stay with her father for a bit. I had hoped Rachael would move here so everyone could be closer but my family seems to already splinter apart. 


So now that I'm up to date on everyone, I will tell you what the title is about. With the fall of G we will finally be able to go back to Libya without fear of being imprisoned. We started on passports a few months ago and are down to one more when Khadijah turns 16 in June.  We finished with Aieysha and Suhayl this month and wait for their return in the mail its only been a week or so but they should be soon. I've started looking at tickets and am flabbergasted over the prices. Seems as countries are taking advantage of people wanting to return home as well as all the investors who now want a piece of Libya's pie. I asked and not many of our friends are yet traveling back this summer. Some have homes, businesses and kids college educations they are in the middle of and can't just drop it all on a whim. Under the new guides for visa for us wives they now request a copy of our marriage licenses and a friend who has 7 kids is now being told they never got one from the mosque when they married and the sheikh and witnesses are long gone. To say the least she is angry. The local sheikh wants to remarry them when their youngest kids are now 20 yrs old. Being that there are enough witnesses to their marriage all these years I think that is a shame. 


I'm watching online everyday on twitter if you don't know I'm @Oldmommatajuri  and I still keep an eye on events in Libya. I was twitter jailed yesterday tweeting results of the Benghazi elections. Its amazing the progress the people have made not necessarily the government but the people themselves towards democracy. Anyways we have tentative plans for August to go to Libya for my husband to be reunited with his family. I'm full of emotions and a bit concern as to how things will be. If you have read my blog you know all about our last trip. Not only will Taher be there this time but things have changed in ways we would never have imagined 6 yrs ago. We have had contact with some of his family and our home came through fine from all reports and except for the loss of Shareefah's husband last May we were spared any loss of life. I think his was more illness related but we have not been told. I fear some bits of info will take till we get there to find out. I have also met some wonderful people on twitter and hope to meet them as well, so excited to meet up with UKWatcher as well. 


As for the three musketeers, Janel returned to the USA just as the war began and was unable to do anything and was full of grief most of the war. Her kids are all well and Sadda will be married this summer. Sakinah had a baby boy and so she has now joined the amazing rank of grandmother, years of problems took their toll on her and she will stay in the USA. Theresa still works for the airlines and I barely hear from her anymore. She wants to visit Libya but only if they have a rental or home of their own. Carolyn will hopefully travel soon although her husband has lost both of his parents while in exile, they want to visit his siblings and I'm waiting to see her first impressions of the country.  


I have made so many plans of things to do there I could fill up months but guess only time will tell what will be accomplished. I will try to keep a better record this time around as internet access will allow. So stay tuned and thanks for dropping by.

Little Blessings

You know how all your life your taught be thankful for what you have some have less. I'm trying to remember that this week. Those of you who read my blog know how holidays are for me. Depressing. So to keep myself from slipping into my moodiness I have been watching Touched By An Angel. I'm looking at my timeline on twitter and seeing so many people going home, spending time with family, and yet around me I have my family. I'm warm, my house is warm and my belly is full. Last month, I was even blessed with a new grandson Archer, yet why do I feel like something is missing in my life. For Eid we didn't kill a lamb, but all my kids but one was home. Isn't that any parents dream to have their children around them at holiday time?

I still watch what is going on in Libya each day and now looking to Syria and I cant even look to the images or videos I just click retweet and send them on. Went today to my friends home. She is from Syria and hasn't seen her home in close to 30 yrs. She was married at 13, to an older man and now 5 kids later she is like me wishing to be somewhere else even though we should be thankful for what we have we feel we missed something. What are we missing? Family....

In September, I was at a friends parents house and I said "Oh I cant wait to go home to Libya". Her mother asked me if I was Libyan. No, I said I was born here. She said, "Then why do you call Libya home?" How do you explain to someone that home is where your heart is. Home is where you plan your life and live out it till your old and grey sitting on a porch swing with a old man sitting next to you as you gaze at your grandchildren playing in the yard.

25 yrs ago, we promised each other we would go there. And all these years later I'm still waiting to go. When I do I leave behind my two oldest daughters and their families to go to my husband's family. Isn't that how it works. You marry and the woman goes from her home to the home of her husband? I'm old now, grey now...the porch swing broke haha long ago. Even before there was grand-kids. Gave up the rockers after the kids grew up so I have to rock the grand-kids sitting in my chair. But that was my dream. Isn't that the dream of all the young women who grew up in my time?

I stopped writing to go to the store we needed instant potatoes. I stood in the aisle and of course the one brand I wanted was on the top shelf. I could only reach two boxes and I wanted 4. A young man passed me. I turned to ask him can you do me a favor. Sure he said and got the two extra boxes down for me. I looked at that young man. Somehow he seemed familiar. I mentioned that to him. No, he said I don't think I know you. As I walked away it hit me about five rows down. I hurried back but he was gone. Teri or should I say Sakina. A young woman who lived with us long ago. Her brother Benjamin. As I came to the checkout I saw the young man again. Hey do you have a sister Teri? Yes, I'm Rachael's mom. Faiszah? Yes. The last time I saw him was around 18 yrs ago. Quick hug, and he said goodbye. The only young person I ever converted to Islam was his sister. She married the young man who paid the hospital bill for our son. One condition we named him Suhayb.

Yesterday, my daughter called asking me if I minded watching the kids while she checked out the school Macleod would attend. No, I don't mind. Well I hate asking you all the time. Honey that is what grandmas are for. And with every time I say that I think how many hugs will I miss out on. How many events in their lives will I miss.. IF I go to Libya.

November 1, my first grandson would have been 14 this year. Life was too short for him. He was born to early. I held him in my arms until he passed away. I prayed for him and said the shahadah and recited Al'Fatihia for him. 20 minutes lasted a lifetime that day. The next baby I saw come into the world was a friend of mines. She also lost her child. A son..born to soon as well she got some uterine infection that killed him. The next child she was born early too. She made it but her mother almost died in my arms. And the last was a friend who was pregnant with twins. Her kidneys were shutting down and she needed to have her babies but for some reason she insisted that she wait for one more day. She made it and they did too. But after all of these things I could not handle another childbirth. So this time around I stayed with my grandson while my daughters Aieysha and Khadijah went on the family tradition of seeing a family member give birth. Hours later I finally had the chance to go to the hospital and take my grandson to see momma and the new brother. Mike's mom was there and we were doing pictures and the girls were trading off taking pics and holding the baby. Finally I got my chance to sit and hold him. His feet kept on turning purple. And once in awhile he seemed to stop breathing. He would get cold to the touch. I handed him to Aieysha and she said momma is this normal. He is blue around the face. NO...hes not breathing. I grabbed him from her and turned him over. Patting his back. Not a sound. Grab me a suction bulb please....I started to suction his mouth. Nothing...he still wasn't breathing. Someone call the nurses he needs oxygen now. A panic in the room and we got him breathing everyone is crying...im shaking not again please God. I order them to keep him in the nursery tonight. They took him out and suctioned his stomach he came out so quickly it didn't expel all the fluid from his lungs and stomach. I spent two weeks there just to make sure. He was jaundiced just like his brother so the first few days he laid on a light bed to keep him from getting sick. He turned two months old on the 4th. He is getting big, looks just like his mother did when she was a baby. He has red hair too. Eyes are chameleon for now. Green or blue I don't care. We have a nickname for him "Mister Wiggly". This is it no more grand-babies for me until the rest are married.

So its days like this I have to remember my little blessings. I have more than many but less than some. It's a few days away from this time last year. The week of Thanksgiving I nearly died twice in four days. Doctor gave me the thumbs up. Stay on my medications, take care of myself and I will be fine. Allah has a plan for me. What I don't know. I can grumble and cry and sometimes get angry at him. But in the end I need to thank him. I still have my little blessings each and every day.