Friday, November 11, 2011

Little Blessings

You know how all your life your taught be thankful for what you have some have less. I'm trying to remember that this week. Those of you who read my blog know how holidays are for me. Depressing. So to keep myself from slipping into my moodiness I have been watching Touched By An Angel. I'm looking at my timeline on twitter and seeing so many people going home, spending time with family, and yet around me I have my family. I'm warm, my house is warm and my belly is full. Last month, I was even blessed with a new grandson Archer, yet why do I feel like something is missing in my life. For Eid we didn't kill a lamb, but all my kids but one was home. Isn't that any parents dream to have their children around them at holiday time?

I still watch what is going on in Libya each day and now looking to Syria and I cant even look to the images or videos I just click retweet and send them on. Went today to my friends home. She is from Syria and hasn't seen her home in close to 30 yrs. She was married at 13, to an older man and now 5 kids later she is like me wishing to be somewhere else even though we should be thankful for what we have we feel we missed something. What are we missing? Family....

In September, I was at a friends parents house and I said "Oh I cant wait to go home to Libya". Her mother asked me if I was Libyan. No, I said I was born here. She said, "Then why do you call Libya home?" How do you explain to someone that home is where your heart is. Home is where you plan your life and live out it till your old and grey sitting on a porch swing with a old man sitting next to you as you gaze at your grandchildren playing in the yard.

25 yrs ago, we promised each other we would go there. And all these years later I'm still waiting to go. When I do I leave behind my two oldest daughters and their families to go to my husband's family. Isn't that how it works. You marry and the woman goes from her home to the home of her husband? I'm old now, grey now...the porch swing broke haha long ago. Even before there was grand-kids. Gave up the rockers after the kids grew up so I have to rock the grand-kids sitting in my chair. But that was my dream. Isn't that the dream of all the young women who grew up in my time?

I stopped writing to go to the store we needed instant potatoes. I stood in the aisle and of course the one brand I wanted was on the top shelf. I could only reach two boxes and I wanted 4. A young man passed me. I turned to ask him can you do me a favor. Sure he said and got the two extra boxes down for me. I looked at that young man. Somehow he seemed familiar. I mentioned that to him. No, he said I don't think I know you. As I walked away it hit me about five rows down. I hurried back but he was gone. Teri or should I say Sakina. A young woman who lived with us long ago. Her brother Benjamin. As I came to the checkout I saw the young man again. Hey do you have a sister Teri? Yes, I'm Rachael's mom. Faiszah? Yes. The last time I saw him was around 18 yrs ago. Quick hug, and he said goodbye. The only young person I ever converted to Islam was his sister. She married the young man who paid the hospital bill for our son. One condition we named him Suhayb.

Yesterday, my daughter called asking me if I minded watching the kids while she checked out the school Macleod would attend. No, I don't mind. Well I hate asking you all the time. Honey that is what grandmas are for. And with every time I say that I think how many hugs will I miss out on. How many events in their lives will I miss.. IF I go to Libya.

November 1, my first grandson would have been 14 this year. Life was too short for him. He was born to early. I held him in my arms until he passed away. I prayed for him and said the shahadah and recited Al'Fatihia for him. 20 minutes lasted a lifetime that day. The next baby I saw come into the world was a friend of mines. She also lost her child. A son..born to soon as well she got some uterine infection that killed him. The next child she was born early too. She made it but her mother almost died in my arms. And the last was a friend who was pregnant with twins. Her kidneys were shutting down and she needed to have her babies but for some reason she insisted that she wait for one more day. She made it and they did too. But after all of these things I could not handle another childbirth. So this time around I stayed with my grandson while my daughters Aieysha and Khadijah went on the family tradition of seeing a family member give birth. Hours later I finally had the chance to go to the hospital and take my grandson to see momma and the new brother. Mike's mom was there and we were doing pictures and the girls were trading off taking pics and holding the baby. Finally I got my chance to sit and hold him. His feet kept on turning purple. And once in awhile he seemed to stop breathing. He would get cold to the touch. I handed him to Aieysha and she said momma is this normal. He is blue around the face. NO...hes not breathing. I grabbed him from her and turned him over. Patting his back. Not a sound. Grab me a suction bulb please....I started to suction his mouth. Nothing...he still wasn't breathing. Someone call the nurses he needs oxygen now. A panic in the room and we got him breathing everyone is shaking not again please God. I order them to keep him in the nursery tonight. They took him out and suctioned his stomach he came out so quickly it didn't expel all the fluid from his lungs and stomach. I spent two weeks there just to make sure. He was jaundiced just like his brother so the first few days he laid on a light bed to keep him from getting sick. He turned two months old on the 4th. He is getting big, looks just like his mother did when she was a baby. He has red hair too. Eyes are chameleon for now. Green or blue I don't care. We have a nickname for him "Mister Wiggly". This is it no more grand-babies for me until the rest are married.

So its days like this I have to remember my little blessings. I have more than many but less than some. It's a few days away from this time last year. The week of Thanksgiving I nearly died twice in four days. Doctor gave me the thumbs up. Stay on my medications, take care of myself and I will be fine. Allah has a plan for me. What I don't know. I can grumble and cry and sometimes get angry at him. But in the end I need to thank him. I still have my little blessings each and every day.