Saturday, October 05, 2013

Death Comes Knocking

I pray that this is the last sad post that I write but I know I will have to deal with it if its not. People say writing is healing. Writing helps us move forward, lets us express our grief so we can heal and mend wounds. I don't know if I'm even to acceptance yet. They said in my Psychology courses in College that there are steps to grief we must go through in order to heal. I know them well. But as I write this I wonder myself have I even begun to go through them? When Death Knocks do you just not answer the door?

Step 1 Shock and Denial.....I don't feel shocked, and I can admit what has happened, so have I moved past it?
Step 2 Pain and Guilt... My heart feels little pain yet, maybe its too soon. Guilt? Why Guilt I didn't cause it and I'm not a survivor of the accident so how can I feel guilt?
Step 3 Anger and Bargaining.... I'm not angry at anyone. It was a pure accident as far as I'm told. Bargaining? Who do I bargain with? GOD? The doctors? The man who caused the accident? His family? Tell me who?  What kind of deal can I strike but with the devil to bring back a life lost? Only God has that power over life.
Step 4  Depression, Reflection, Loneliness.... Reflection yes I see a bit of reflection and more to come in the weeks that follow I got his birthday soon. Weddings and grandchildren who will never know their uncle Suhayb except for a photo on the wall and some stories their mom or dad or grandparents tell them. Maybe I'm at this step but I'm not depressed or lonely.
Step 5 Upward moves on...well yeah I need that step. I'm already worried how I will manage here while my husband returns to the states and my only other son returns with him to continue his studies. Leaving me with three daughters and a house full of pets to deal with. Carry my own water-bottles.  Take out the trash myself, get someone to take me to town since I won't drive that far yet and remember I don't have a car now so I'm back to walking again.
Step 6  Reconstruction....seems like a term for building a house not a life...but I know what it means. Filling in the blanks where my son use to be. For now that is me and my other son and my husband.. they are their own persons and can never fill his place but I can move forward. How do you replace a child? I'm too old to have another as many would suggest after the loss of a child.
Step 7 Acceptance and Hope....I feel like this is where I went from zero to 7 in a few seconds...

I remember a neighbor who had a son the same age as Suhayb. He was born with severe birth defects and from the first moments of life they were told to plan his funeral. He would not live long. Over the coming months and years the coffin they would need grew bigger. More and more problems arose and finally one day he was taken home. I remember that day so vividly.. He had been sick the past few days and again was bedridden. He could not go to school many times due to his frail health and conditions. He had asked his mom to call us and ask Suhayb to come over to play with him and Suhayb said momma I can't I just can't see him today momma. I told him I would not make him do something he didn't feel good about but to know that his friend was missing him too. See when they were little it was one thing to be around a frail kid but now he was older they were in the 5th grade and he had friends who could run and play soccer and play at the park and go places not sit in a room playing a computer game while others could run outside. He didn't want to be with the sick kid. As a mom I understood his anguish.
The next day I saw his little sister playing outside our front door and I asked her how he was. Her reply haunts me to this day. "Oh he died". And she ran off playing with the other kids.
I grabbed up the phone and called my neighbor and said how can I ask this but your daughter just told me your son died last night. She confirmed it and I hung up and cried. Suhayb came in and saw me crying and asked me why I was crying. I told him what had happened and it hit him hard. He was upset that he could not take back that day and go and play with him again. I told him we can't undo what is done we can only move forward and to live the life for him that he was denied. Suhayb did that....
So I ask his friends who read this to live the life he was denied. Move past the loss and grief and live the life you are given. We never know when it will be our last day.

Two days ago the family of the man who caused the accident came to the house with the papers to allow his release. I guess we both have to sign them. I have no clue what they said. I wrote my name and gave a thumbprint as proof. Life seems to easy here. How many years would we have had to deal with lawyers and judges and insurance agencies had this happened back in the states? My husband's accident took four years just to heal the insurance wrote us off after the first year. 100 thousand dollars on medical alone.
I'm told their is reimbursement for the loss of the car. It was new three years ago. Not even one year in Libya and its done for. 7 months waiting for our drivers license and we got a month out of them and his is now laying in a bag at our relatives house. I have yet to get our things from the car. I have yet to even see my car.
Writing this I feel unconnected, like its someone else's life I'm writing about. Through the war I remember looking at all those dead young people and thinking what if this is how someone sees their loved one for the last time? A photo posted online for the world to see when they don't even know they were dead there out somewhere a photo of the accident or my son on someone's camera? If so I wish I could know so I could have a copy cause I don't believe he is gone...he is at work, at the store, somewhere with friends.
As I type this a small kitten is playing at my lap. While at my Sister in Laws house the other day she showed my daughter a kitten they had found. Its around two weeks old and a boy. His mother is dead they said and in the field near their house we could hear another kitten crying but we could not see it or get to it. A large owl flew over shortly after maybe the owl found him we didn't hear it cry later on. We are tending him until we can find a home for him. He is ravished as we feed him as best we can with a syringe. He is a fighter. Life moves on...I just need to move with it.
Internet is back so I will try to post as I can a few more bits and details but its late and I need some sleep. The kitten will be hungry soon again and morning comes early here.