Saturday, October 05, 2013

Death Comes Knocking

I pray that this is the last sad post that I write but I know I will have to deal with it if its not. People say writing is healing. Writing helps us move forward, lets us express our grief so we can heal and mend wounds. I don't know if I'm even to acceptance yet. They said in my Psychology courses in College that there are steps to grief we must go through in order to heal. I know them well. But as I write this I wonder myself have I even begun to go through them? When Death Knocks do you just not answer the door?

Step 1 Shock and Denial.....I don't feel shocked, and I can admit what has happened, so have I moved past it?
Step 2 Pain and Guilt... My heart feels little pain yet, maybe its too soon. Guilt? Why Guilt I didn't cause it and I'm not a survivor of the accident so how can I feel guilt?
Step 3 Anger and Bargaining.... I'm not angry at anyone. It was a pure accident as far as I'm told. Bargaining? Who do I bargain with? GOD? The doctors? The man who caused the accident? His family? Tell me who?  What kind of deal can I strike but with the devil to bring back a life lost? Only God has that power over life.
Step 4  Depression, Reflection, Loneliness.... Reflection yes I see a bit of reflection and more to come in the weeks that follow I got his birthday soon. Weddings and grandchildren who will never know their uncle Suhayb except for a photo on the wall and some stories their mom or dad or grandparents tell them. Maybe I'm at this step but I'm not depressed or lonely.
Step 5 Upward Turn...life moves on...well yeah I need that step. I'm already worried how I will manage here while my husband returns to the states and my only other son returns with him to continue his studies. Leaving me with three daughters and a house full of pets to deal with. Carry my own water-bottles.  Take out the trash myself, get someone to take me to town since I won't drive that far yet and remember I don't have a car now so I'm back to walking again.
Step 6  Reconstruction....seems like a term for building a house not a life...but I know what it means. Filling in the blanks where my son use to be. For now that is me and my other son and my husband.. they are their own persons and can never fill his place but I can move forward. How do you replace a child? I'm too old to have another as many would suggest after the loss of a child.
Step 7 Acceptance and Hope....I feel like this is where I went from zero to 7 in a few seconds...

I remember a neighbor who had a son the same age as Suhayb. He was born with severe birth defects and from the first moments of life they were told to plan his funeral. He would not live long. Over the coming months and years the coffin they would need grew bigger. More and more problems arose and finally one day he was taken home. I remember that day so vividly.. He had been sick the past few days and again was bedridden. He could not go to school many times due to his frail health and conditions. He had asked his mom to call us and ask Suhayb to come over to play with him and Suhayb said momma I can't I just can't see him today momma. I told him I would not make him do something he didn't feel good about but to know that his friend was missing him too. See when they were little it was one thing to be around a frail kid but now he was older they were in the 5th grade and he had friends who could run and play soccer and play at the park and go places not sit in a room playing a computer game while others could run outside. He didn't want to be with the sick kid. As a mom I understood his anguish.
The next day I saw his little sister playing outside our front door and I asked her how he was. Her reply haunts me to this day. "Oh he died". And she ran off playing with the other kids.
I grabbed up the phone and called my neighbor and said how can I ask this but your daughter just told me your son died last night. She confirmed it and I hung up and cried. Suhayb came in and saw me crying and asked me why I was crying. I told him what had happened and it hit him hard. He was upset that he could not take back that day and go and play with him again. I told him we can't undo what is done we can only move forward and to live the life for him that he was denied. Suhayb did that....
So I ask his friends who read this to live the life he was denied. Move past the loss and grief and live the life you are given. We never know when it will be our last day.

Two days ago the family of the man who caused the accident came to the house with the papers to allow his release. I guess we both have to sign them. I have no clue what they said. I wrote my name and gave a thumbprint as proof. Life seems to easy here. How many years would we have had to deal with lawyers and judges and insurance agencies had this happened back in the states? My husband's accident took four years just to heal the insurance wrote us off after the first year. 100 thousand dollars on medical alone.
I'm told their is reimbursement for the loss of the car. It was new three years ago. Not even one year in Libya and its done for. 7 months waiting for our drivers license and we got a month out of them and his is now laying in a bag at our relatives house. I have yet to get our things from the car. I have yet to even see my car.
Writing this I feel unconnected, like its someone else's life I'm writing about. Through the war I remember looking at all those dead young people and thinking what if this is how someone sees their loved one for the last time? A photo posted online for the world to see when they don't even know they were dead yet...is there out somewhere a photo of the accident or my son on someone's camera? If so I wish I could know so I could have a copy cause I don't believe he is gone...he is at work, at the store, somewhere with friends.
As I type this a small kitten is playing at my lap. While at my Sister in Laws house the other day she showed my daughter a kitten they had found. Its around two weeks old and a boy. His mother is dead they said and in the field near their house we could hear another kitten crying but we could not see it or get to it. A large owl flew over shortly after maybe the owl found him we didn't hear it cry later on. We are tending him until we can find a home for him. He is ravished as we feed him as best we can with a syringe. He is a fighter. Life moves on...I just need to move with it.
Internet is back so I will try to post as I can a few more bits and details but its late and I need some sleep. The kitten will be hungry soon again and morning comes early here.

7 comments:

J said...

I knew Suhayb for almost 11 years. I call him SuFa, don't know if he ever mentioned that nickname to you. If he did, I created it. There was an NHL goalie named Curtis Joseph, nicknamed CuJo. He got the name by using the first two letters of his first and last name. I then decided Suhayb needed a cool goalie name too, so why not take the first two letters of his first and last name and make it SuFa?! It totally stuck and he LOVED it. I met him on PlayStation 2 and we became best friends from there on. I wasn't lucky enough to meet him in person but that doesn't make him any less special in my heart. He was my best friend and the greatest person I've ever met. I've been going back and forth on whether I should contact you or not but I finally decided it was the right thing to do and I think he'd want me to because I was his best friend too. Plus I really feel like I need some type of closure and maybe writing my feelings out will help. When we first started talking he told me you knew about me so maybe you remember, even though it was many years ago! I wanted to tell you how special your son was which means you clearly did something right in the way you raised him. He ALWAYS put others happiness before his. I honestly believe with all my heart he would've done anything for anyone. I haven't wrapped my mind around the fact that I'll never be able to talk to him again. I don't want to even think about it because I just breakdown and cry. It's heartbreaking he was taken from us so early but the only thing I can do is try and be thankful I was blessed enough to have met him at all. I received his last email just 1 hour before his accident...I hadn't heard from him after that but assumed he had gotten busy or forgotten, didn't think too much of it. Then this past Sunday, a friend of his back in Colorado got my number and broke the news to me. I didn't want to believe it. I then Google searched his name to see if I could find anything about it and it led me to your blog. It's devastating that he didn't get the funeral he deserved and that you didn't get to say goodbye the way you wanted. I miss him so so so so much. I wish he could come back. I wish I could thank him for everything one more time and say, "see you later". My heart is completely broken </3. I love him like family. If it gives you any comfort, just know that there's no where else he would've chosen to be then in Libya taking care of you and his sisters. He loved you guys so much and all he wanted was to make you proud. I asked him on several occasions how he was doing out there and how he liked it. Sure, some days he certainly missed the states, mainly because of hockey (of course!) but on other days, he was happier than I've ever seen him. He had this new found confidence that was so great to finally see. He was truly determined to be nothing but the best man he could be and I think he was doing a great job at it. He will always hold a special place in my heart. Many prayers to you and your family.

Katrina said...

My dear, every time I read your blog my heart aches a little bit more. May I say to the previous poster, your comments moved me to tears. I only met Suhayb once but I totally agree, he was a wonderful young man. His loss isn't something which can be 'got over' in any timescale. Only time will mellow the raw feelings you are all feeling and in their place will be all the wonderful and lasting memories he left you. I will be in Libya very soon and my first priority is to come and see you and the girls and to give all of you the hugs I've been promising these past few weeks. Stay strong, my lovely, and God give you peace. xx

norak said...

Hi Again. I have arrived in Libya and would love to meet up at some point. I don't now how to reach you, but can be reached at nksheer@hotmail.com.

Heather said...

Hi there, thank you for sharing your story. My name is Heather and I just have a quick question about your blog! Please email me at Lifesabanquet1(at)gmail(dot)com :-)

old momma said...

Thanks J i was very moved by what you said. I was getting ready to write some more and i saw these comments. Internet here is so off and on and having issues with my computer hasnt helped. You are welcome and yes I had never heard how he got his nickname but I loved it too. Sufa the legend was his name. Hope we can keep in touch. faiszahfaris@yahoo.com and im on facebook too add me.
Katrina cant wait to see you I need a hug and Nora and Heather same to you feel free to contact me by either way.

old momma said...

Thanks J i was very moved by what you said. I was getting ready to write some more and i saw these comments. Internet here is so off and on and having issues with my computer hasnt helped. You are welcome and yes I had never heard how he got his nickname but I loved it too. Sufa the legend was his name. Hope we can keep in touch. faiszahfaris@yahoo.com and im on facebook too add me.
Katrina cant wait to see you I need a hug and Nora and Heather same to you feel free to contact me by either way.

old momma said...

Thanks J i was very moved by what you said. I was getting ready to write some more and i saw these comments. Internet here is so off and on and having issues with my computer hasnt helped. You are welcome and yes I had never heard how he got his nickname but I loved it too. Sufa the legend was his name. Hope we can keep in touch. faiszahfaris@yahoo.com and im on facebook too add me.
Katrina cant wait to see you I need a hug and Nora and Heather same to you feel free to contact me by either way.