Little Blessings

You know how all your life your taught be thankful for what you have some have less. I'm trying to remember that this week. Those of you who read my blog know how holidays are for me. Depressing. So to keep myself from slipping into my moodiness I have been watching Touched By An Angel. I'm looking at my timeline on twitter and seeing so many people going home, spending time with family, and yet around me I have my family. I'm warm, my house is warm and my belly is full. Last month, I was even blessed with a new grandson Archer, yet why do I feel like something is missing in my life. For Eid we didn't kill a lamb, but all my kids but one was home. Isn't that any parents dream to have their children around them at holiday time?

I still watch what is going on in Libya each day and now looking to Syria and I cant even look to the images or videos I just click retweet and send them on. Went today to my friends home. She is from Syria and hasn't seen her home in close to 30 yrs. She was married at 13, to an older man and now 5 kids later she is like me wishing to be somewhere else even though we should be thankful for what we have we feel we missed something. What are we missing? Family....

In September, I was at a friends parents house and I said "Oh I cant wait to go home to Libya". Her mother asked me if I was Libyan. No, I said I was born here. She said, "Then why do you call Libya home?" How do you explain to someone that home is where your heart is. Home is where you plan your life and live out it till your old and grey sitting on a porch swing with a old man sitting next to you as you gaze at your grandchildren playing in the yard.

25 yrs ago, we promised each other we would go there. And all these years later I'm still waiting to go. When I do I leave behind my two oldest daughters and their families to go to my husband's family. Isn't that how it works. You marry and the woman goes from her home to the home of her husband? I'm old now, grey now...the porch swing broke haha long ago. Even before there was grand-kids. Gave up the rockers after the kids grew up so I have to rock the grand-kids sitting in my chair. But that was my dream. Isn't that the dream of all the young women who grew up in my time?

I stopped writing to go to the store we needed instant potatoes. I stood in the aisle and of course the one brand I wanted was on the top shelf. I could only reach two boxes and I wanted 4. A young man passed me. I turned to ask him can you do me a favor. Sure he said and got the two extra boxes down for me. I looked at that young man. Somehow he seemed familiar. I mentioned that to him. No, he said I don't think I know you. As I walked away it hit me about five rows down. I hurried back but he was gone. Teri or should I say Sakina. A young woman who lived with us long ago. Her brother Benjamin. As I came to the checkout I saw the young man again. Hey do you have a sister Teri? Yes, I'm Rachael's mom. Faiszah? Yes. The last time I saw him was around 18 yrs ago. Quick hug, and he said goodbye. The only young person I ever converted to Islam was his sister. She married the young man who paid the hospital bill for our son. One condition we named him Suhayb.

Yesterday, my daughter called asking me if I minded watching the kids while she checked out the school Macleod would attend. No, I don't mind. Well I hate asking you all the time. Honey that is what grandmas are for. And with every time I say that I think how many hugs will I miss out on. How many events in their lives will I miss.. IF I go to Libya.

November 1, my first grandson would have been 14 this year. Life was too short for him. He was born to early. I held him in my arms until he passed away. I prayed for him and said the shahadah and recited Al'Fatihia for him. 20 minutes lasted a lifetime that day. The next baby I saw come into the world was a friend of mines. She also lost her child. A son..born to soon as well she got some uterine infection that killed him. The next child she was born early too. She made it but her mother almost died in my arms. And the last was a friend who was pregnant with twins. Her kidneys were shutting down and she needed to have her babies but for some reason she insisted that she wait for one more day. She made it and they did too. But after all of these things I could not handle another childbirth. So this time around I stayed with my grandson while my daughters Aieysha and Khadijah went on the family tradition of seeing a family member give birth. Hours later I finally had the chance to go to the hospital and take my grandson to see momma and the new brother. Mike's mom was there and we were doing pictures and the girls were trading off taking pics and holding the baby. Finally I got my chance to sit and hold him. His feet kept on turning purple. And once in awhile he seemed to stop breathing. He would get cold to the touch. I handed him to Aieysha and she said momma is this normal. He is blue around the face. NO...hes not breathing. I grabbed him from her and turned him over. Patting his back. Not a sound. Grab me a suction bulb please....I started to suction his mouth. Nothing...he still wasn't breathing. Someone call the nurses he needs oxygen now. A panic in the room and we got him breathing everyone is crying...im shaking not again please God. I order them to keep him in the nursery tonight. They took him out and suctioned his stomach he came out so quickly it didn't expel all the fluid from his lungs and stomach. I spent two weeks there just to make sure. He was jaundiced just like his brother so the first few days he laid on a light bed to keep him from getting sick. He turned two months old on the 4th. He is getting big, looks just like his mother did when she was a baby. He has red hair too. Eyes are chameleon for now. Green or blue I don't care. We have a nickname for him "Mister Wiggly". This is it no more grand-babies for me until the rest are married.

So its days like this I have to remember my little blessings. I have more than many but less than some. It's a few days away from this time last year. The week of Thanksgiving I nearly died twice in four days. Doctor gave me the thumbs up. Stay on my medications, take care of myself and I will be fine. Allah has a plan for me. What I don't know. I can grumble and cry and sometimes get angry at him. But in the end I need to thank him. I still have my little blessings each and every day.

Am I Only Dreaming?

Last night I went to sleep wondering how much longer the madness in Libya could go on. Two weeks I had spent with my daughter Melissa helping her adjust to a new baby and a toddler. So much has happened since last night.

7:00am the phone rang, Suhayb got it before I could reach it and I heard him saying, "I will tell her", as I grabbed up the phone. My first thoughts was it was my daughter returning my call a bit early or I had overslept. I heard a friend of ours voice telling me, "He's dead. Did you see the news?" What news? I just woke up! Khadaffi is dead. What? HUH?? Ok thanks I will check out my sites. I went to my desk and shook my mouse and rubbed my eyes. I had only been home two days from two weeks with my daughter so I was catching up on sleep. Shortly after my skype started to ring. Its Britpat calling from Belgium. One of my buddies from the Livestream forum whom I still was in contact with. He was telling me I was sleeping and Khadaffi was dead I was missing it. What!! He brought me up to speed and I went upstairs to let my husband know.

Taher grumbled who was on the phone. I told him it was Abdul telling us G was dead. Yeah how many times we gonna hear someone is dead only to find out he isn't. OK go turn on the news to AJE and watch for yourself they are reporting it too. By the time he was ready for work the first bloody images of a very dead G came to the screen. He looked at me and said, "I still have to go to work." OK I said, maybe you will sell a car and it will be a good day.

I called Carolyn to let her know, freaked her out we don't get morning phone calls unless its bad news. No, its ok G is dead. Yes he is, look at the TV they are showing him now. She started to cry. Her husband arrived to work and I could hear her telling him, YES look at the TV.

Next call was to Theresa, Yeah ok you already know cool, we chatted for a bit catching up. No, I don't know how soon we could go how about you?

Skype again. Its UKWatcher my friend in the UK married to a Libyan. Yes, so happy me too. Yes its finally over, no I don't know how soon we will go. How about you? Three weeks hubby will go.

Go eat. I'm starved. Suhayb ended up cooking me breakfast. Eggs, we shared a plate and a cup of apple cider warm me up. Back downstairs. Screens up now catching up. Taher out the door 8:30am.

So now its 10pm and he is still not home yet. He did call a FF reported missing was identified two days ago. He was from Colorado. Didn't recognize the name. Guess what he was the husband of one of our friends daughters. She was just married it seems like last year. They have two kids who now will be without a father. How many more families will he destroy? Im tired now, its been a long day of watching tweets and watching reports on AJE waiting to see who else has died. Seems as if they got his son Mutassim as well. Good one less to worry about. Saif is reported injured caught/fleeing who knows.....Aieysha his daughter tried to call daddy on his cell. Guess what honey he can't answer where he is at. Now do you begin to feel a ounce of what your family did? You lost your brothers, father and husband. No one has a ounce of pity for you.

I have occasionally thought of another young woman who lost her husband. She is out there today I hope with a smile on her face. The man responsible for her husband dying is dead on the street of Sirte and no one cares about him. He crawled into a sewer and was shot like a rat. How will history write this day? 22 yrs ago we should have been headed home with our new son. Life took its time. Taher said we will go when G is dead, ok he is dead. Waiting to see now. When does his Trip of a Lifetime begin? Can you go home? Home will never be what he left. How many other Libyans out there are thinking the same as they lay their heads on a pillow tonight? How many died so we can make this journey? How do you repay that debt? I pray this is the end of fighting and a road to progress begins with Saturday when they declare Libya FREE. Stay tuned..Don't let us wake up from this dream.

Opportunities That Only Come Once In Life

Sometimes you get a chance to do something that you feel at the time is a once in a lifetime chance. Two days ago hubby called from work and offered me two tickets to go see Obama speak in Denver. Sure I will take them and Khadijah can go as I felt she would get the most out of it. It was a town meeting about Job Reform Act and expected to be indoors so was excited to go. By evening my son said he didn't want to take me that far as it was on the other side of downtown Denver. My drivers licence had expired on my birthday and hadn't gotten around to deciding if I would renew it. But by morning if I wanted to go I would have to take myself or find someone to go with. I called my friend Carolyn and she works close to the meeting place and she said it was ok I was in a grace period and could still drive.

A quick dress and I was out the door headed to the dreaded freeway. I got to the corner and hit a red light, bad omen one. Got two blocks down and all of a sudden red lights flashing and all cars moving to left, 4 car pile up, omen two. Honestly I should have turned around then, but I kept on. Took the off-ramp and saw a bit of slow traffic oh boy why don't I take the next exit and go back home. Again, I shrugged off the ill omens and headed north. Traffic was not to bad but was still white knuckled by the time I arrived to her work. We sat and chatted until time to go. She grabbed her cellphone and put in the address into a mapping program and it said two miles. Driving down we got close to the address that the GPS was saying yet no school was in site. Are you sure its correct? Looked at the address, "NO" its south not north we got half the city to cross and now we are running late. (go home now, go home now). Reprogrammed and hit the gas. Finally, we see a large crowd ahead. Where is parking? Ask a ROTC kid think they are helping with crowds, lots of them around. Turn around go back a few blocks park in Kmart parking. Cool. Noticed crowd on north was smaller so we headed there. Its hot outside, no worries once we get through the scanners we will be in the school gym then we can relax. 1/2 hour later we are at the scanners. Guy says head to the bandstand and get as close as you can. "Bandstand"???? You mean that spot over where the camera crews have set up?? Where are bleachers?? Chairs??? Nope you need to stand here. Ticket says 11 am. Ok, Im in a suit in 90 sun with no clouds no shade. Wish I had listened to my little whispers. Crowd gathering closer now its filling in. How are all those people outside the gate going to fit in the school parking lot?? It's 11:30 when is he speaking? Person next to me says 2 PM. WHAT DID YOU SAY???

Its been an hour they have already had to take 1 person away from the heat. Its so hot. But I chat with the people around me, it could be worse.. rain, snow we could be listening to G speak not Obama. We are here on our own accord, we are not starving waiting for food relief. There was no water or food allowed in, no umbrellas too. No room to even sit down now. Its Noon. Another person has to be carted away. An old couple is next to me, a older woman and a younger couple he's a vet, served in Dubai. Lots of teens around. One is pushing the vet. He tells him to backup a bit. Kid started to bad mouth. Kid is come on...great im in a high crime area and I got two people ready to fight in a parking lot and snipers on the roof easy shot..its a peaceful gathering...(why didn't I stay home)..vet is good tells the kid come on you got no chance. Kid backs off and moves away. A few other kids are smooching the older couple chuckles and says get a room please. They stop :). Its 1pm. two more people are down. The elderly woman is getting too hot. Here sit on my jacket kids move a bit let her rest. We crowd around her to block the sun someone gets some water for her. They give us small glasses of water the line is 50 people deep. The wife is not feeling good now..husband is worried its ok we got it..a kid hands us a note book so we can fan her and we block the sun with my jacket again. People keep pushing past us..come on we got old people here you are going to step on..they don't seem to care. We keep reminding ourselves it could be worse. God keeps blowing small kisses of cool air though the crowd. Im fine and Carolyn has moved up toward the front..nope I will stay here its more spaced.. 2PM..finally we stand straight for the flag. American the Beautiful is sung, she did well. The time is up...people on the stage pointing one more down...asking for water...yeah where is water they should be passing water through the crowds. We discuss how eloquent a speaker Obama is, will he get a second term to undo the damage, will his bill pass, at least we are not listening to G. Music is playing songs filter over the crowd... Helo flies overhead..He is here...WOW its him. Obama...He starts to speak most I cannot hear even though he has microphones. Its like sardines now and some kid over 6 ft just got in front of me...I look around kids smaller than me, the old couple, the lady in red (we called her)..her name is Betty. We introduced ourselves. Such nice people to be near. The kids look on to our odd little group.

I can see the back of Carolyn's head on an off. 1/2 its over..The older couple had to leave she was getting too hot they missed most of it unless she got moved back a bit and got some water. Too many people all coming my way. I moved back to the cameras..Carolyn is here. amazingly neither of us is hot or woozy from the heat..

I moved, OMG my feet are killing me.. I find a clearing and take off my shoes..i feel better. We start heading to the car. Officers are taking pictures with people..Men in uniform. Someone asked if i'm ok,,yes im fine..my feet hurt. Cross the street and walk two blocks in stocking feet, it feels so good but im so stiff. Lets get to the car go eat. Roadblocks lets go north miss all the traffic we can find our way stick on the main roads. Industrial area lots of dead ends. Follow the buses. Hey we are close to Carolyn's parents home can I drop her. Stay to chat, a bit of cake and a drink. I can't wait to get out of these clothes. Its getting late suddenly..Lets go to late to shop now. Traffic is smooth sailing and I arrived at home. I am hungry, I can smell food. Thank God the kids are cooking..I walk in "MOMMA what happened to your face?? Walk to the bathroom. Lift my scarf. Sunburned.. shower feels good. Lotion on my face..go to sit..kids bring me dinner and I eat. Im tired want to sleep. Phone rings...better not be Melissa calling that she is in labor..she is due soon. No they are inducing me on grandma's birthday can I call her tomorrow so she will know. Sure hey I saw Obama today all I got was a sunburn. :P http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0911/64572.html here is what he said. Remind me next time someone offers me a once in a lifetime chance to do something I find out more ahead of time. My face is sore today...

Mile Markers in a Persons Life

I probably should have waited, but if I don't write some of this down now one day I will wish I had or my kids will wish momma did. So with a few links off the internet I will try to provide a bit for my future grand-kids to know "where grandma was during the war to liberate Libya'.

By any measure it is the will of Allah that kept us at least me and the kids from not being in Libya when this all happened. So like many expat families we watched from abroad the images on tv and online of glimpses into Libya. I found just by accident the web site called livestream http://www.livestream.com/libya17feb and it took a few days before I learned how to bookmark it as I had just moved over to another browser. I signed in under my old moniker and watched as a young man broadcast his reports from Benghazi the large eastern city in Libya. I have friends from there but I had no idea what it was like. Over the days I watched and occasionally I would post a comment or two chatting with the various people there. This link is one of my earliest posts http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5G5ZL91QTs at about 2 minutes I chimed in I was still a wall flower at the time. Each day I sat for hours on end watching trying to find out what was happening so I could later in the day tell my husband what had transpired. Grandpa worked so he was unable to watch tv and I think he was apathetic at times as uprisings had happened before and were soon quelled so I don't think he thought much of it in those days.

Bit by bit I was becoming involved with what was happening in the room and looks at clips that show the chatroom discussions will show that I posted more and more over time and even learned how to use skype and twitter to get the word out that Libya was in need of help. I had no contacts with anyone, I was no one important an old woman sitting in her basement all day long watching screens and feeling many days helpless while across the world a young man begged for help.

By mid March I was behind the scenes helping where I could mostly I feel as moral support to a group of people from all over the world trying to help this young man get his word out. On one particular night we stayed up til all hours trying to work out how to get a tv truck from one country to Libya and how to get it there safely. He wanted a mobile truck with sat so he could broadcast as he traveled around the city a citizen journalist at his best. I was awestruck of this young man. He was well to do and often times when asked how to pay for this or that he said. "I will pay for it". That was a profound quality to me. Stories will i'm sure be written later on about what transpired behind the scenes there in Benghazi but I for one know some parts but better now to keep them as they do no good. In the end what was a group of men turned into one man moving and hiding and trying his best to get the word out sometimes with no more than a handi-cam and a cell phone and his laptop system. He had been trying to negotiate with Nilesat to broadcast his signal and had paid their price and yet the moment he was to be launched his signal was cut dead by sabotage. In the background many of us cried those of us who worked behind the scenes. Years from now I wonder at all the user names we had who will come forward and say it was I that was so and so, but I guess I prefer to follow in one of my ancestors footsteps and not say. My kids know the name and maybe a year or so from now it will be ok to write it down. See in genealogy work you either have people who keep excellent records or people you wish had just wrote it down when it happened as now they forgot half of it and their minds are brittle now and the kids well they didn't pay much attention back then. To my grand-kids your parents fall in that category hehe..so if not for grandma writing this down now you would be out of luck. And lets just say there are some-days grandma worries that she will not always be around or that her mind is going brittle too. I have hundreds of pages book marked and I hope to bit by bit go through and put them into some type of order so that first your parents got and education out of them and secondly, you know what happened while it was fresh in our minds unclouded by future events and historians.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tiWgDuG6_Is This day for now is imprinted in my head and will stay there for quite a while but already it has lost its hurt and is becoming only a memory. So, I guess I better write while I can my point of view of the events of that day. The night before I stayed up actually till the dawn of that morning that is portrayed in the video. Benghazi had rose up on the 17th of Feb and by March was doing pretty good but was still under occasional attacks. We has lost out on getting the sat system up and he was determined to have a sat truck so he could broadcast his stories around Benghazi. Mohammed was in hiding with his wife we called her Perditta. I once was told her name but as things go I knew it was better not to know it so it was forgotten. Anyways, we had tried all night as Mohammed had reported bombs being dropped in the city and we were his team from around the world frantically calling in every news person, dignitary or person of any form of power to ask NATO or someone to help them they were hours away from being massacred. Many of us spoke to him on skype trying to get what he wanted us to do to help, while all along feeling helpless to do nothing. I remember getting a message from one person saying, "they don't believe us". I went and laid down crying myself to sleep. It was not even 4 hours later I was awoken and now as I felt then, God had a reason for me to wake up so I came over to the computer and rubbed my eyes and looking at the screen of chatters in front of me. I was running three main screens, twitter, skype and the livestream across my laptop at all times. I never shut down hoping that skype the one way our family could reach us was always open in hopes that they could contact us. So I sat refreshing my screens and trying to see what reason I had been awoken. They were saying Mohammed had gone out to film a home that had been hit in Benghazi, two children sleeping in their beds had been killed...one of many that day to die. Apparently Mohammed could not wait and anyone who worked with him can testify to that. And asked someone to take him out so he could film. Some time during that drive he was hit by a bullet and killed. I had barely cleared my eyes and Perditta came on behind the scenes. I was getting a skype message that Mohammed had been hit and was taken to a hospital and Perditta was on her way to see him. Behind the scenes there was panic and confusion. Not Mohammed.... I don't even think it was 1/2 hour later and Perditta came back in and we were being told she was coming on the air and to be ready. The link posted above tells it all. Mohammed had been killed. We were all devastated. From that day I guess that was when things started falling apart. Perditta asked a few people to take over for her until she could come back online. We knew she was pregnant and now she had lost her husband and she needed time to grieve. Some will say many things and time glosses over truths and half truths and there will be heated debates i'm sure but I have no part in them. That day Perditta called me by my screen name and made me a moderator and then she left it in our hands. In many ways the room fell apart. We recorded over 5000 viewers that day. And in the coming months we were lucky to have 70 average viewers. Again there will be stories of why and how but this was a new medium for news and with all the grief and hostilities and opinions we did what we felt was best. We were subjected to hacked links and hacked accounts and attacks in all forms so we had to be careful. I am sure many innocents got pushed out along the way. There were verbal attacks and issues common to any group of people placed under a severe duress will face but in the end I went my own way. It had no longer been a place of news or even comfort for me it was a grueling day of stopping arguments and hostile discussion and Tripoli 6 months later still was not free. Just a few months prior to all this I had nearly died twice in 4 days and so my health was always an issue. For my health I backed away. A week later Tripoli was freed and I was able to call to Libya and talk to uncle Salem and then later to Maryam the wife of my nephew to see that the family at least them that I spoke to were well. Auntie Aieysha was not doing well she had not been able to get her cancer medications and they were worried for her. I spent my days now watching the twitter screen, various media outlets and skyping to a few people. I cut all my ties but two to the people I was part of. In reviewing my old skype messages I found my last words to Mohammed it was the tally of the UN decision vote all yeah with two abstain Russia and China. The next day after Mohammed died Nato sent in planes.

Before I stop this mile marker I leave one last video. I can go back in my skype messages and see I was talking to her mom a few hours before. I suggested a few ideas for induction of labor. Not really knowing that she was already in early labor but being a few days overdue you know how moms are at that time. She logged off. The next day we all were told not by her but by a person to excited to wait. Then the small media blitz heralded Mayar Mohamed Nabbous. The only child of the first Libyan Citizen Journalist who had died trying to help free Libya. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jKQ0vsvszfM I don't expect to ever see her but to know that I had a small part of her life as a mile marker in mine I will be grateful to know that she grows up free. So like my ancestor Ephraim Bowen who carried the gun that another man grab and shot with. We are footnotes in History. He went to his deathbed hiding his secrets due to persecution by the British they never told and he being the last told on his death bed. I have seen now that death is not for the old. It is for the young, the innocent, the unborn and the old. When your time is up it is. So these shall be my records for my future kids.

Technical Issues

You know what is like to find a old friend then not be able to find them again? Well, my life has been full of that lately haha....I was so excited to finally be able to say what had been going on in my life the past 6 months and I was so happy that in the mix-ups of the past 6 months that I had not forgotten my passwords to access this account so I could continue blogging. I had made my post and went the next day to add more and for some reason it would not let me back into my account. I had lost both my email accounts and due to my "activities" I was continuing to have to change my passwords to protect those I love. Now that things had settled down I wanted to try and put into words my past 6 months and then found that I was unable to get back in. These pages are all that are left of my trip there and today a warning that they no longer existed just about tossed me over the deep end.

Ramadan will soon be over and yes, it has been the usual feelings of not quite what I wished for but in a way it is more than I could ever wish for. Libya in many ways is finally free. I have been able to contact a few more family members and although connections are not yet great was able to talk to them a few moments. Their posts on Facebook have returned and for some stranger years from now they would see no change in our lives.

But, life has changed...hopefully for the best and for the future of many generations to come. My family has been pretty much quiet here as we waited for news from back home. In all reality we are fortunate that circumstances were what they were and myself and my kids were not stuck there while my husband would have been alone in the states. I spoke to family in January and they said one of the nieces was marrying in May. I wanted to come and spend some time and get the older kids scholarships so they could study. I knew it might take a few months and it was a good opportunity to see the family again. I dug out the passports and looked at them and found them to be expired and so it was discussed how to get them reordered in time for May. Then a few short weeks later Egypt broke out in protest followed by Libya. I found the livestream that I mentioned in my last message and followed news and reports up to 18 hours a day hoping for bits and pieces that would allow me to know what might be happening there. Months went by and I was getting weary....I think that the civil war must have been hell for my dear ancestors....we have all types of media now and although we could not make much contact with people there, we knew what was going on and the world was watching.

FREEDOM.....that word still has not sunk in for many as some areas still are under siege and prone to attacks by pro G forces. Today I cried as I listened to the Transitional National Council say that they had moved to Tripoli and that G's reign of terror was over and a new day was dawning in Libya. A new life...

There is someone there who we all hope is well and soon I hope she will post as we all have missed her stories im sure more than anyone has missed mine. Khadija I pray that you are safe as well. And all the other sisters whom I was pleasured to meet when I last was there. How has their lives been like? American or other foreign women married to Libyan men with children of Libyan birth. How many took their families and got out or like a few stayed behind. I can only imagine their families worrying over them as I have done over mine there.

I wanted to help them...I also wanted to be a provider which once Libya was free help to bring in all that we needed, what was denied to them that was a rightful destiny of any person. Education, Medical and Self Awareness

I could write for hours the pros and cons of a free society....I have already seen what some of the youth want...alcohol and drugs I mean come on its a new world and they feel its their right to have it how they want it...but, this is how I see it. Thousands if not millions of lives have been forever changed and we through the media and internet have seen and read and heard the stories. How do you bring such things into lives already damaged? So that instead of rebuilding lives they are farther torn apart by vices. Also the idea of sudden wealth...Libya has vast riches that should have been theirs all along but was squandered by a few. At a tune of 6 million people they are a small population really and with the money that was frozen and the natural wealth of the country they could be riches beyond their wildest dreams...to me that is just as scary.

I want to go there, I promised I would and even though things were not the best before, to go again has always been my goal.

Like before when I started this blog, I have to consider a few things....7 kids and now 4 grand-kids. They are not babies anymore and some are over the age of 18 so legally I cannot force them to do anything. I don't want to imagine that. If we go do we stay and travel here for visits and use internet to chat back and fourth between vacations? Or do we go there for a visit see that its not what my husband ever imagined and come back here to live out our lives while visiting there when we can. I can't say. My husband and myself are not young anymore. Life here has been a struggle the past years and we seem never to get ahead although we are in many ways better off than we had been. If my husband were to not be able to work what would I do? My health issues have left me with few choices. So as I work out these "technical issues" I guess now that I got back in and can post I will try and keep a running diary here of my thoughts. One day I guess my kids will look at this and see how hard it was to make these choices. Stay tuned for further updates as they become available hehe...

Libya is Free

As I typed these words i had to pause for a moment. It seemed odd to even type it and know that it is really happening. Im full of thoughts and emotions and sometimes that is the best time to write down what you are feeling so forgive me from now if i ramble on. I'm sitting at my computer, the place I spend most of my time for those who know me.

For the last 6 months I have spent hours on end with multiple screens open with lots of tabs watching links and tweets and chatrooms and videos and news reports on Libya. In February, the fall of Egypt caught my attention and then days later the rise of conflicts in Libya. I made my way around the internet world and found a chat room. If I dont write it now years from now no one will believe me so I post it now so if someone who was there now they can vouch later on but really its only me and my family who will care in the end. The livestream page of Mohammed Nabbous Libya AlHurraTV. 6 month later i'm looking at what has happened with a bit of sadness and mix of feelings. Only a few people know who I am and even fewer know what part I played in that mans short life. I'm not a friend by any standard but I can say I knew him briefly. One day I can show my greatgrandkids and grandchildren look here see that name on the screen that was me. "Yeah grandma right!" It will be up to my children to say yes that was your grandmother. History is being made now as I type this funny the guy on AJE just said that. What lies ahead for Libya? Today I am full of hopes for it while I listen to analyst tear apart our victory and debate over the rebels who fought it and the NTC who shall lead us into the future of my children's lives.

For the past 25 years, I promised my husband that one day we will go home, he will go home. 35 yrs I honestly don't think he thought that it would ever happen and now it has and his behavior is odd to me. No glee, no happiness, no emotions in fact he is sitting watching tv like nothing has changed in our lives. After nearly three years of not speaking, today we took the risk and called his oldest brother. We had news from the morning that Tajura his hometown was freed and by end of month at latest we hope that Tripoli would be free. It happened in a day. Im looking as I type this to the split screen of faces smiling and laughing with glee of people in Martyr square. 8 km away his family is sleeping or now rising to pray and eat before sunrise. I asked him do you want to call your father and mother? No, he said I don't want to listen to them now.

25 yrs and in the last 6 months i have found out things that most wives would have known long ago. But what all is between him and his father I guess I may never know. Maybe he hoped dad would be passed by now age and health taking him as many have. The war left me wondering daily if family any of them would be alive when this was over. I wanted many times to come and post a note here to share a bit of this before it was lost to memories, but worry that I was linked to a more popular blogger and they could be watching us, and what I might say could harm them there, so I waited. Years from now kids can surf the net and see all that we saw, old news by then long ago memories. For me there are some that will burn in my mind for years. This war can it be the last one? No as I type this Syria and Yemen and Bahrain and many more are waiting for their freedoms too. It now is called the "Arab Spring" some feared would turn to winter. The media of the Internet has forever changed how the world views wars. Video and cell phones made instant the news that in my parents generations it took waiting for some media station doctoring of videos to black out the ugly truths the blood, the gore, sanitize it for the viewers. This in itself has forever changed us. Our kids play video games where they kill and are killed in mocks of battles against demons and long ago warriors. Many freedom fighters as we prefer to call them, said that they learned how to fight playing these games...

What lies ahead? What will we do? Will we go back soon as possible or will we just send money and visit during summers? For now i'm putting these feelings here so one day like with my other posts I can look back and think what was I doing saying that?

The reporter just asked the man what are you thinking? He said for 42 yrs now all I am thinking is now we are free...FREEDOM...how many times over the last 6 months have I heard what people will do when Libya is free. How many voices and people I have met over this time, people I have viewed on video or pictures made it to this day? I personally know one who didn't. I sat in that chat room watching the screen as his wife came on and told us he had died. I cried like everyone else. That same day I became a moderator for that chat room courtesy of her. For many reasons I wont discuss as like everything over else time it will not matter later on. But i left the room a few weeks back and left myself with two people watching twitter and images and sharing with a two people over skype. Funny how long from now all these terms will be old? My greatgrandkids will be far beyond this technology by the time many of them will read this blog. To them this will be grandma's online diary. Wish I had kept a better one some days. For now i'm tired. 6 months have worn me out mentally and physically. I think tonight I will sleep like I have not done in all this time. No dreams, no tossing thinking and dreaming of chat talk. No more video images to haunt me in my slumber. How will all this go into the history books my future generations will read? I at least am a footnote in this part of my life. Even if I was to link the video as proof who knows how many years it will stay here. It will be archived somewhere as he is a martyr, Libyans will not forget him soon and just like Omar Muktar; whom I also share a link to (he died on my birthday but not the year). But his words "We win or we die" held so many of these young lives. I will try to come back here soon I almost forgot my passwords and id to access this account. Tomorrow my life goes back to normal a few more days and Libya will all be free. Unless something bad happens in the next few days, weeks, or months we made history. This little note is just my mental reminder to tell the grandkids the story of what grandma once did.